A new morning, today.

The sense of something new is afoot, or perhaps, the closure of something old impending soon, soon. I feel like I am standing on a figurative precipice, wondering if I am about to jump off and fly (or crash to my death on the rocks below).  I don't know, but it is not an eminently bad feeling after all those years of heartache, sadness, grief.  I feel alone, but less lonely than before.  Needing to fill my time, yes, though my time often feels too full already.  I want to do things, with my kids --we've been in limbo too long.  I want to do things as a individual, and as a woman - though my insecurities have always (and still do) make me less comfortable with the latter.  I am exploring, tentatively, who I am. Crawling slowly and with a little fear/trepidation that something or someone will want to slam me down.  Being squashed like a bug is not a fun thing, and I know this firsthand. So many of  the forces of influence in my life before "the now" looked at me with sarcasm- "how dare I feel the way I do, who do you think you are" these voices would say.  And one of those voices was my own, and that is in my control to change.  I am me, you see.  I am good, or at least okay.  Or wonderful, depending upon what aspect is in question.  Crawling slowly forward, in my own time, in my own way; and most importantly, with the mustering of my very own validation of who I am.  A daily exercise (and sometimes onorous feeling process if I let it be) to be acknowledged by me, someone who was never allowed to do so before, most of all by me.  I have to REMEMBER.....