Sunday, March 29, 2015
Happiness
It is the wave of happiness and joy I feel today, and a quick shout out among my many diatribes to acknowledge, that yes, it does happen. Joy. Feeling of empowerment that has nothing to do with anyone but myself. Joy. And strength, in this moment of time. I suck in the feeling with all that I can muster. Smiling.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Spring 2015
It is now Spring, and there is an odd promise in the air,
but of what that promise is-- I have no idea.
I would like to be all dreamy and say it is of the promise
of love and unbidden, limitless passion..but can I ever believe this to be
again? And then again, do I really want
that? No, I don’t think so for my jaded perceptions of
life have garnished my views with some cynicism (til death do us part). It’s a mannequin sitting in my lap, my hand
shoved deep inside the lapel of the cheap velvet suit of this doll.
I know my life holds renewal; in a karmic laden embodiment
that ensures there will be happiness. It
is for this that I wait. And in the same
breath, I know sadness will always come too because that is how life flows for
us all. It is the tipping point into
sweet joy that I am going to strive for.
Balance with counterweight swaying towards the positive, a Buddhist view
to embrace.
I don’t know if I can pull it off. The messages of my past lives under my skin
like an underlayment of subcutaneous “ick”.
Is this my path, to constantly work to keep those feelings in check, the
sense that I am never meant to have true love in my life? I am a fake, a fraud in this version of my
unkind self.
Yet…. Joy, yes, I
feel this. Peace too, in a form that I
never thought I would experience again back in 2009. Many tell me that all
people feel this ubiquitous ennui, but I am not sure if that is true. Do we all
feel a sense of “not measuring up”? And
if we do, why does it express itself in so many different ways? I feel the child in my mind’s eye, asking and
searching for the answer of why are people so mean? My adult “mind” steps in to caution this
child to never mind, never mind but protect with the healthy boundaries that
should have been put into place long ago.
The boundaries that help me navigate the now, in a way I never have
before. And it’s scary, but true. A patent plan of action meant to preserve my
safety and sanity. I am a bundle of
conflicting emotions.
I am Eve, aware that I am covered with leaves and standing
in a garden of thorns and flowers. I don’t
fear the prickles (I know them), but
for some reason, I feel terror when thinking about smelling the blooms. I am alone, but am wondering if that is what
I am meant to be. To face that fear and
discover it is not a nightmare. I don’t
know. But I wait. And balance.
Friday, March 13, 2015
Pathos in the making
I had one of my dreams again. The intense kind, with that strange feeling of some internal messages being passed through, sitting in the steamy Indian tent under the influence of some strange peyote drug. My brain, the more likely candidate, is processing what is about to come.
It is my day in court. The one where I won't be back for a while (I hope). My lawyer tells me the court had made a decision, so I will know whether my Ex will have to pay what he owes me, have to follow the rules, etc.. And while I care...I don't care at the same time. It is like reading a dog-eared book that I've cried over, laughed over, obsessed over too many times. I'm done with it for now. But there is more. My dream tells me this.
As always, these dreams take place in the same venue, that of my childhood home. The "place" it might signify might be different (a hotel, a strangers home, etc.) but it is always my house from when I was a kid.
Tonight, it is HIS home, but for whatever reason it is mine on temporary basis too, having the children with me. I look and see the remnants of what "used to" belong to us, a picture, a statuette.. But it is shadows of the past, almost no emotional tie to them. The kids of my heart and currently the dream, wander about like usual, oblivious yet aware of happenings. They are okay.
Then I see Ex. As we walk up the stairs of this house, he is in his characteristically angry and irritated mood, expounding on what this person did, or what this environment has wrought to irritate him. As in the (real) past, that irritates me, and we bicker. I am then reminded; yes, this is what it was so often like. And I was feeling so done with that.. It is good.
Yet then we go inside and sit at a table. I look at him, and in his familiar visage I look at him, and remember- yes, but I do love you. And I wish you well, amazingly, despite all that has happened. Boundaries in place, my awake mind knows this, but it feels okay to say. Yes, after all this, it is a whispered yet real thought.
I ask him to please be mindful of the kids feelings. That even two years ago, our daughter asked if "Daddy had gotten married to his girlfriend", when clearly he could not- we were still married. It is almost funny now.
I feel sadness, yet am strangely at peace. It feels like an old story, one I have read countless times. But I am now starting to pick up a new novel, perhaps of a different genre. The story of a strong woman, like Sheryl Sandberg, open to all the possibilities of my life. Bring it on...
****
In court, my attorney tells me "he" won't budge. His attorney acknowledges he owes me money (easily $10k in child support), have spent much more on legal fees. I know I need my kids health bills paid. On time. No more delays for his amusement. So sad, how this story is constantly perverted. He doesn't pay medical bills, and I ask for what he owes me. He states he may owe me, but that I owe him too, for all his unreimbursed health premiums HE has paid over these last two years, conveniently omitting that he has never submitted the charges he expects to be reimbursed for. How can I pay, what I have not been billed (something that is, we now know, guesstimated to be about $2k). In the fun posturing that is now the anticipated, my lawyer talks about how this appears to be going to go to trial. I can not, he knows, afford an upcoming $30k court legal bill, that will likely never be reimbursed. I will have to let that go, and agree to let the kids medical bills continue under his plan even though he has not paid regularly (and there being an outstanding bill still, from last year)- and now won't.
I can only hope to recoup what he owes me, and some legal fees (the latter now to the tune of $18k). No choice, but to choose that let go. It is my responsibility now, he has relinquished that monetary responsibility so that I must. The bully in the street, he will learn that obstinance wins..again.
But his cost for the win, may be higher than the one I have to pay. I am done. I want to be free.
***
"Come on in ladies", the court officer calls in our two attorneys.
*******
Punka-punka-punka! My feet hit the treadmill as a Coldplay song blasts in my ear, an incessant beat to match the one pounding in my chest. Punka!
I should have known that no final conclusion would be forthcoming. A huge financial deficit with an outcome requesting for MORE information again, that which had largely been provided already. Expanding a legal bill already swollen and pussy. A small monetary relief coming my way, pales in comparison to that frustration.
My only physical respite was to leave for the gym, not wishing to be home. Alone. Kids gone to his house, melancholy ("I want to stay home!", wails one kid). Its fine, my heart has pulled back into my chest after a fast run, pulling out all the madness, angst. I decompress in a follow up session to my neighborhood coffee shop, and pretend I know the right path to follow. Or is that the right pathos? I don't know...
It is my day in court. The one where I won't be back for a while (I hope). My lawyer tells me the court had made a decision, so I will know whether my Ex will have to pay what he owes me, have to follow the rules, etc.. And while I care...I don't care at the same time. It is like reading a dog-eared book that I've cried over, laughed over, obsessed over too many times. I'm done with it for now. But there is more. My dream tells me this.
As always, these dreams take place in the same venue, that of my childhood home. The "place" it might signify might be different (a hotel, a strangers home, etc.) but it is always my house from when I was a kid.
Tonight, it is HIS home, but for whatever reason it is mine on temporary basis too, having the children with me. I look and see the remnants of what "used to" belong to us, a picture, a statuette.. But it is shadows of the past, almost no emotional tie to them. The kids of my heart and currently the dream, wander about like usual, oblivious yet aware of happenings. They are okay.
Then I see Ex. As we walk up the stairs of this house, he is in his characteristically angry and irritated mood, expounding on what this person did, or what this environment has wrought to irritate him. As in the (real) past, that irritates me, and we bicker. I am then reminded; yes, this is what it was so often like. And I was feeling so done with that.. It is good.
Yet then we go inside and sit at a table. I look at him, and in his familiar visage I look at him, and remember- yes, but I do love you. And I wish you well, amazingly, despite all that has happened. Boundaries in place, my awake mind knows this, but it feels okay to say. Yes, after all this, it is a whispered yet real thought.
I ask him to please be mindful of the kids feelings. That even two years ago, our daughter asked if "Daddy had gotten married to his girlfriend", when clearly he could not- we were still married. It is almost funny now.
I feel sadness, yet am strangely at peace. It feels like an old story, one I have read countless times. But I am now starting to pick up a new novel, perhaps of a different genre. The story of a strong woman, like Sheryl Sandberg, open to all the possibilities of my life. Bring it on...
****
In court, my attorney tells me "he" won't budge. His attorney acknowledges he owes me money (easily $10k in child support), have spent much more on legal fees. I know I need my kids health bills paid. On time. No more delays for his amusement. So sad, how this story is constantly perverted. He doesn't pay medical bills, and I ask for what he owes me. He states he may owe me, but that I owe him too, for all his unreimbursed health premiums HE has paid over these last two years, conveniently omitting that he has never submitted the charges he expects to be reimbursed for. How can I pay, what I have not been billed (something that is, we now know, guesstimated to be about $2k). In the fun posturing that is now the anticipated, my lawyer talks about how this appears to be going to go to trial. I can not, he knows, afford an upcoming $30k court legal bill, that will likely never be reimbursed. I will have to let that go, and agree to let the kids medical bills continue under his plan even though he has not paid regularly (and there being an outstanding bill still, from last year)- and now won't.
I can only hope to recoup what he owes me, and some legal fees (the latter now to the tune of $18k). No choice, but to choose that let go. It is my responsibility now, he has relinquished that monetary responsibility so that I must. The bully in the street, he will learn that obstinance wins..again.
But his cost for the win, may be higher than the one I have to pay. I am done. I want to be free.
***
"Come on in ladies", the court officer calls in our two attorneys.
*******
Punka-punka-punka! My feet hit the treadmill as a Coldplay song blasts in my ear, an incessant beat to match the one pounding in my chest. Punka!
I should have known that no final conclusion would be forthcoming. A huge financial deficit with an outcome requesting for MORE information again, that which had largely been provided already. Expanding a legal bill already swollen and pussy. A small monetary relief coming my way, pales in comparison to that frustration.
My only physical respite was to leave for the gym, not wishing to be home. Alone. Kids gone to his house, melancholy ("I want to stay home!", wails one kid). Its fine, my heart has pulled back into my chest after a fast run, pulling out all the madness, angst. I decompress in a follow up session to my neighborhood coffee shop, and pretend I know the right path to follow. Or is that the right pathos? I don't know...
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