What do I feel?

Why am I feeling the way I'm feeling?
I've never felt the hate before,
Never felt the loss like this

Why am I feeling the way I'm feeling
Just because he's getting married

Why why why would it hurt even after all he's done
Even as I moved on,
Even as she's moved in,
Even as the stars and the moons remained in the sky

When I thought all had been lost
And I know now that all had really been gained.

What does it mean to feel the way I'm feeling
Is it real, do I feel, can I cry or should I laugh;
The words have littered while my heart has healed

But why why why
Do I feel the way I feel
Is it real or is it surreal,

I'll never know.

I'll never know.

3 years, 7 months, 14 days after

I woke this morning in an incredible mix of physical pain and emotional anxiety.  What has amped my usual morning sense of ennui? Life. Progression. That recurring fear of mine that I am alone and facing all the challenges of life (and even the pleasures) alone.  

Those messages, internal and negative, sing the loudest in my sleep; my awakening is often met with them close by my side.

That lonely feeling of not having a male presence stinks; what is it that drives that desire, I wonder?  Nature? Nurture? Sex? All.

I know it is time to live in my own skin and feel authentically good about it. REALLY. It is my chance, to live the karmic spirit of positivity I desire, the one that meshes with who I am without the negativity or trauma from another.  But, of course, in that equation one can miss the delight and joy of being with a partner, the right individual who adds and doesnt take away from your life. So I am waiting, seeking, but not demanding- that last will only provide a quick trip off the path of sanity and joy. I can't make things happen but I can attract the right energies to me, I think.  Or am I wrong?