I have lost my people; and that may be okay

I have lost my people; and that may be okay

When I was a child growing up in the suburbs of Long Island, there was a time when I felt like I did not fit in.  

Prior to that moment, I was intensely and immensely shy, the quintessential kid hanger-on to my big sister.  I was a nuisance, I know, because I did not feel comfortable with kids my own age but was really too young to relate to children my (four years) older sibling's age.  But I held on, and followed my sister around like a puppy, until finally, she had "had enough", having entered her auspicious teen years. 

After that I was on my own and I, truthfully, floundered.  Why this was the case, I am unsure of and what my parents could have done to make it easier for me is unclear.  I am sure Mom would have, but I don't think I agreed to any of her efforts to get me involved with girl scouts, or other friends.  So she eventually gave up.

As an adult now, I think about why it was so difficult for me to integrate in other social circles.  Truth is, it still is.  Am I maladapted or is there something inherently wrong with me, as my ex husband had said? He was the man that wanted to come home and do nothing, unless I set up events for us.  And we had a thriving couples social agenda at one point, having met girlfriends through our kids school, we pulled the husbands subsequently into the monthly rounds of poker games, Bbq, girls' nights out.  But even then, truth be told, I did not fit in.  

I felt different in two ways: low self esteem has ruined my body image- and so many of my friends were stunning, I felt, next to me (though I am not unattractive I know, my bar seems to always be set to supercritical when it comes to myself). It is as though, growing up, I learned to think of myself as the pain in the ass, never meeting up to expectations person.  Knowing this, unfortunately, does not change this feeling (though I wish it did!).

The second huge differentiating thing is that I am a science geek- who loves to think about biology of the human organism, how things work, the research behind it, etc.  My ex never got it, though I would say he would support my endeavors, in his way. He bought me flowers at my PhD defense, and took me out to dinner.  But then he would wonder away, never being able to or interested really, in engaging me in conversation about these things.  Fair trade, I guess, since I could not to his satisfaction do the same thing with his industry.  Our disconnect reached into many different areas, but were amplified only at the end.  I don't think it is not a prerequisite for two partners to hold identical interests, but I guess in our case, it would not have hurt.  In the end, he said it was "me, me, me".

The only other time that my social ring felt tight, good, and secure was in my late teens into my early twenty-somethings.  I "found" myself finally, with a group of girls with whom I thought I could relate completely.  Not so much as people who were the same, for we were not.  In fact, we were all so different.   My first "ring" held the school valedictorian, brilliant and misunderstood by her peers; the "cool" girl into Neil Young and a propensity for the word "like" ("you know-like?"), and myself.  It was a good alliance as we navigated through high school, amongst the other social rings (inexplicably all circles in our own similar teenage forms of disconnect).  The second ring transition immediately after graduation, as I started college and met my friends during which I think of as my own "cool" phase.  Friends made from my afterschool independent study job in high school had blossomed into a partying, fun group- stuff I hope my own kids don't end up following in many ways, I will admit.  I sank some of my low self esteem into a place that let me hide behind a facade, not altogether good.  But it was, at the same time, glorious to be part of my pact.  Still sticking out, I felt, as the smart girl who could not meet up to others' standards (even in the partying crowd, I could not meet up to expectations!).  

It has been my signature, I guess, to pull along that feeling of "being different".  Over the years I have found those I could relate to: my pact, or tribe, or whatever you want to call it.  But then something happens and a veil comes down...and the fog (or wall) slips in, unknowingly, quietly...and I am alone again, surrounded by different people, different faces, it's true.  

I have friends, and yes, many are close: my new people.  At this point though, I hold myself in guard- to realize that they, too, may, and if history is to teach, will leave eventually.

But then there is something else.  I look closely at those around me now. And for the first time, wonder if it is not true for everyone?  Our lives are transitory, our individual experiences bring new things to our plate.  Being open, unquestioning, and not second guessing those events, appears to me, to be the way to experience life.  My own angst has been to feel life's changes are due to some inherent flaw to myself...but perhaps this is NOT the case??  At least not in the way I think.  I think so many people can roll with these changes, albeit the slips in and out of people are often subtle and friends, significant others, etc. do not typically slide out in one fell swoop with the tide.  

The devastating trauma of being left behind (as I HEAR my narcissistic ex roll his eyes and mutter, "get over it"), makes me think that I don't want to think of this as a bad thing anymore.  This could really be a chance to find myself, to not second guess anymore.  Life changes because it does.  

Pulling along bad low self esteem and negative outlooks on life can result in pulling in other negative people also, who like you, can be equally incapable of seeing a more positive outlook on life.  This may result n feeling like you have made a much needed alliance, one that feels like you belong, that you are "normal", but in the end...it can just suck.  Because ultimately, the great prize is to learn to live a life free of angst or 

retribution, and to just live in joy for every new day that rolls in.  To not second guess if this is what I should be doing, but doing as you feel o should.  And to enjoy, to revel in it as best you can, authentically.

The mentality of the "OW" (aka an exercise in stupidity)

Why does an "OW"be willingly involved in inflicting pain on another human being? WTH could they be thinking?

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PUBLISHED: 07:40 EST, 18 May 2012 

Mary Richardson Kennedy, 52, was found hanged by a housekeeper on Wednesday in a barn on her Westchester estate.

Friends and other documents revealed she was drowning in credit card debt, feared she would lose both her home and her children and was getting destroyed by her husband in the divorce court.

Speaking from the estate he shared with his wife for 16 years yesterday, Kennedy Jr told the New York Times: 'A lot of times I don’t know how she made it through the day. She was in a lot of agony for a lot of her life.'

Despite this, the 58-year-old continued to file multiple restraining orders against Mary and tried to get full custody of the children by claiming she was an unfit mother, according to sources - all while he publicly replaced her with his actress girlfriend, Cheryl Hines.

A close friend told the New York Post: 'He was kicking her while she’s down, all alone in this house that she built. In the end, everything was just too much.'

 

'She loved him. Her family and her home [were] her heart and soul. Even after they separated, she was pretending everything was fine. She’d still call him her husband. It was bizarre and sad.'

Mary was also said to be drowning in debt. American Express filed a civil suit against her in Westchester on April 16 and she did not know how she was going to source the money.

 

Friends said Bobby Kennedy was trying to cut the amount of child support he was giving her and she had no access to the Kennedy trust fund. 'Every member of my family, long before I married her, considered her a Kennedy'Robert F. Kennedy Jr

Mary - who was once a successful architect but gave it up to look after her children - was petrified of being evicted from the $4million estate which she meticulously renovated two years ago, making it Eco-friendly.

It was just one month after the house was complete that Kennedy filed for divorce.

 

 

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2146356/Mary-Kennedy-death-Robert-Kennedy-Jr-reveals-ex-wifes-life-long-struggle-depression.html#ixzz32j8Ckzlo 

 

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"Curb Your Enthusiasm, kids! Actress Cheryl Hines is engaged to Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Us Weekly can confirm....

 

The couple first started dating in 2012 .......

 

Kennedy, 60, will make his third trip down the aisle: He was previously wed to first wife Emily Ruth Black, with whom he had two children. He also has four children with his second wife, Mary Richardson, who committed suicide in 2012.

 

Read more: http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/cheryl-hines-robert-f-kennedy-engaged-201495#ixzz32j9M2MQn 

 

 

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Curb Your Enthusiasm, kids! Actress Cheryl Hines is engaged to Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Us Weekly can confirm.

 

Hines explained why she and the activist—who hails from the most famous political dynasty in America—mesh so well together

 

"We share the same values," the Ugly Truth star said. "Family first.

 

 We like to have a good time and work hard.” She added, “It’s fun to have a partner . . . It’s a good match-up.”

 

When they're not traveling together, the couple enjoys volunteering and promoting their respective causes. "It's fun to have a partner," she explained to Us in April. "He's so dedicated to the environment and clean water, so we take turns. He'll come to my United Cerebral Palsy event and walk the red carpet with me. It's a good match up."

 

"I really like this guy," she said at the UCLA event that honored the attorney, calling the father of six "a devoted dad and an all-around good guy." 

 

Read more: http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/cheryl-hines-robert-f-kennedy-engaged-201495#ixzz32j9kzWnD

5 months 18 days post divorce

In the end, it is not so much the neck grabbing, pinning down incidences that haunt me- though I still suffer at times, unhappy flashback moments.  A glimpse, a thought, an item-- all those things can remind me of those times and that fear.  

But really, what I remember are those words, words like daggers that I relive.  "Everyone leaves you in the end, don't they", he had said- pointing out a once-dear friend who no longer called.  "Get off your fat ass, and go talk to the neighbors- as he sauntered over to the nice irish Catholic elderly neighbors who we have known for years- kind people who ignored the tears silently streaming down my face as I stood silently next to him, surely seeming the odd one.

Or the confusing messages I felt, when I was deep into the "pick me" dance (as Chumplady calls it).  Making love to my husband, trying to reconnect, he would say he loved me to my words offering the same.  But my words had been sincere, while his were not.  He would subsequently come home later the next day (and then everyday)..drunk and late (long after the kids were asleep).  I would ask where he was, and he would respond, "I was out getting laid, want to see the lipstick marks?", and then he would laugh at his jokes and rollover to pass out on the couch- it being too gross to come upstairs to our bed.  After one particular night when we had been together, and I thought we had reconnected, he came
home even later and more drunk-- stating he only was with me because he had
been "horny".  I was devastated and humiliated. He accused me of "f*cking me because I'm a cashcow to you", the morning after when I asked him to leave money for the kids haircuts.   It appeared that the more he would "fall back" into our relationship, the more he would immediately fight to leave it, with worse and more atrocious actions meant to devastate and humiliate me.  To let loose of the "power" he said I had over him.  And "I am taking care of that", he had said.  My husband of 20 years, at that point (partner for 25) had become a devil..

I started to pretend to not see him if he came home. I thought about hiding the knives as he became progressively more hostile, threatening that he was afraid he might "lose control".  Or stating, perhaps, he just kick me out of our house on my ass and into the street, taking the kids.  The cumulative amount of verbal abuse astounds me now, as I can not believe...for the man with whom I had literally grown up with since the time we were 21...who was he?? What had I done to deserve this ("you should know...!", he would shout).

So now, when it is late into the night, his words that I have told my therapists, friends, all who would listen and cluck and shake their heads...none of them truly helped, despite their well intentioned efforts.  Its the demon result of those words, from the man who was once my everything (even as we disagreed, or disconnected over the years)...it is those words that echo in my ears..late at night as I try to sleep.  The damage that he tried to inflict...that he DID inflict and I am trying to recover from.  Those things that undermine my belief that I might find someone to love and to love me, as my "forever" family.  And the fear that, no matter whom I meet, that I will "ruin them the way I tried to ruin him".  Heartbreak and insomnia. Sadness. Loneliness. Damn.

My dream- five months post-divorce

It was an odd dream.  In this dream, I and the kids drive into the city for an event, which is funny because I don't drive in the city.  Traffic is crazy, I am in midtown. We spot Ex and he and I start arguing-- I don't know about what.  But the memory floods back of what our arguments were like,  with me trying to play the "no, no, wait" to his angry and accusatory comments towards me.  No matter what I did, I was wrong-- in what I now know to be gaslighting on his part.  He was very unhappy with our relationship, with his life.  Clearly, in his mind it had come to a head.  

As I would say, "but no, no wait- listen, let me explain..." He would hear the trigger that would always set him off- my saying the word "no" and "but" as confirmation for him that I did not validate his feelings. 

But how could I, really.  He was demanding validation that I "suck". And that no matter what he did, he felt I would poo poo it- which was true for so many things, I will admit.  Though I tried through the many years of our marriage to acknowledge and accomodate his desires- my financial needs of stability would not let him (or me) indulge in the extravagant or what I felt was foolhardy.  I would not agree, for example, to his desire to lease a fancy car for him.  Instead, I wanted to buy a similar model but one within our reach- ie. used, low mileage BMW instead of the expensive newest model that he eventually leased on his own.  It did not make sense at the time to me, especially as he was never home- away from home for typically 65 hours a week in the city himself with his car parked at the train station.  It belied, of course, a much greater issue for me, for us- his lack of presence in our lives (mine and the kids).

Eventually, he would blurt out in anger that this absence was because of "me, me, me".  And he would come home, the kids delighted and he would try to sequester, in brief shots, time with just him and the kids.  And I was miserable-- because I felt he should at least first spend a few minutes with me, his wife, alone.  He called me jealous of our children, but I never was.  It was more a matter of attempting to resuscitate our relationship, for the sake of us and of course, our family.  He did not see it that way-- but by that point, unbeknownst to me, he was already committed to leaving.  

Or perhaps I did know this internally.  My heart was breaking, it is certain.  The real certainty was this: for all our mismatched philosophies in life, I loved him. And he did, for many years, love me.

In the later conclusion of my dream, I remember he was yelling at me in the street, kids stuck in the car with the windows closed (looking apprehensive, oh how I remember this in real life!).  He screams, and then says "if I didn't love you so much...!" And I immediately in my dream, slip in the words, "but I love you too".  And in my dream he stops screaming, fight held at a standstill. Unsolved, unreconciled, love acknowledged...but it was not enough.

Not enough.

** Can I add a footnote to my dream?  It did not go unnoticed- my mom, who has passed these many years now (11?) showed up in my dream as well.  I have been feeling sad lately, and missing her
particularly as I wondered if that, perhaps, she really was not there looking over my shoulder from heaven.  Lately, it has felt...well, alone.  So alone.  So in my dream, she came to me, as my dream Ex and I were fighting, to say that she (my Dad was there too, in the back!) going to ride in the car home with me, the kids, and Ex.  It was strange...but felt real.  A glimmer in the face of sadness.

I am the Invisible Woman

Passing by your doorway, you won't see me if you are lucky.  My presence makes you uncomfortable, my aura seems smeared.  But maybe that is what I see, my eyeglasses are now a bit gray.  I don't trust my judgment when it comes to me, although I think I am okay with you.

My world is starting to spin again, it's true, in speeds that resemble the norm.  Who would of thought that could happen, not I nor maybe even you.  On alternate weekends I awake alone, though my time is often fast-spent; buttressed againts opposing weekends filled with the childrens laughter,  my relief, and playgames once, once more.

I am that invisible woman now, but don't look upon me with pity.  My life has started spinning again, my heart has annealed to one, a spiritual core.  The quiet of my minds eye, has done much even work; the silence is greatly blissful. The growth I need is stalwart and progressing; my anticipation is springing forth.  I am figuring out what I need, and wonder if that might be you. But if it is (or is not); mine own self will still be true.

I am the invisible woman.

I awaken in the middle of the night, gripping paralyzing fear grasps me by the throat.  My heart in a tight vise.  I am alone, unloved, afraid.  When will this stop, never?  I am alone, and no one hears my tears, my screams, my heartbreak. My children are away, the night looms deeply, darkly. I am an invisible woman.  Help me, help me God. I want my mama, but she too is gone.  I am alone.  I am afraid. Hard, so hard.  I seek strength, but that has deserted me in this blackness.  I am disappearing, and the residual that remains is terrified.    I am nothing.

And I pray, in the deepest part of my soul for this pain to stop. For the pity to stop. For the feeling of
loss to be gone, once and for all. Who hears my heart and my soul, where is my love? Dear God send
 me some feedback, provide me some light please.  The break in my heart is deep, and though I no longer live in the shadows of that broken hearted woman who was left by my husband, oh God, in my secret heart I tell you, and you alone: i feel diminished and I do not want to be.  Please God, please help me

Six months after with reports about...

How your exhusband now attends key Catholic celebrations for his girlfriend's kid..with her husband, and her family in tow-- looking holy and righteous, you realize one thing:

No, he really isn't ever coming home again.