Tomorrow is today

I am fighting to maintain a positive and open outlook in my life despite the ever frequent moments of angst that crosses my mind, usually when I am alone.

When he first left, my early morning moments were disastrous, grievous.  I missed him, I mourned our loss and the frightening unknown that now loomed before me.  It took a great deal to allow myself the strength to oust him from our lives, having learned it was better to live alone than with crazy.

Four years later, that thought has not changed, for my reminders exist within the few direct interactions that I allow to exist between myself and the "ex".  He is no longer the man I knew, but then again, I am no longer that woman he knew, I can say joyously.

But then who am I?  Do we all change in like manner regardless of the road we are on? Certainly that must be true to some extent, and I find the thought comforting.  I am not a freak like those hapless individuals portrayed on television.  Listing, lost, searching for a home.  Or am I?

"You are doing so well now."  "What a role model." "You are so strong."  Within these contexts offered by my friends and supporters, it may be true that I have adapted; survived for the sake of myself and the kids.  Boundaries are a huge sanity tool.  Yet there still looms those "truths" that I wonder are apparent to anyone else besides myself.  I am ALONE.  And in truth that would be okay if given other unsavory alternatives (see above under "lessons learned". )

No one, to my knowledge, ever passed overtly from loneliness.  But it's there, settled between the chores for house, the children's needs, my teaching load, my work responsibilities, my bills, my worries, my sanity.  Settled in, like a hummingbird in its nest..humming, thronging away in a subliminal text form.  Apparent most in my early morning hours, sometimes more and sometimes (blessedly) less.

The spiritual experts, referring to those individuals who likely had to deal with their own $hit and survived beyond the realms of "just surviving"-  lead us to ways on how to cope, view life and provide a philosophical basis upon which to grow. Tenuous tendrils reaching into my brain, planting in these thoughts that I might actually pull this thing off (life?).

But I awoke today, in physical pain from my body hurts.  In loneliness, and sad exhaustion from the day to day responsibilities of the week, continuing forward into my today.  Not sure where I can go with this, but I hope it is up.  I guess I will see, riding the Chodron wave like a semi amateur surfer.

Transformative blues

Being a divorced woman on the face of it, is a little like being the only nun in an all girls school.  The metaphor acknowledges that we are all women with all the same body parts, yet I am now "different"?  But why that is, I don't know.  I grew up feeling this way, that much I know.    I feel alone, abandoned.

My allies say that I am a role model..to my kids, to my coworkers, to my friends and peers.  If they only knew the degree of angst that I live in, the extent probably known only by my ex now, who capitalized on this knowledge by trying to "make me pay" at the outset of our marriage's demise.

What is wrong with me?  My Dad, and my ex would point that out at the culmination of our relationships, each in their own mean ways.  What is wrong with Y-O-U, that everyone leaves you in the end?  And in truth, tonight that is exactly how I feel..with the footnote saying it'd better be dead than to hurt.  Those are words of hurt; belying "worlds" of hurt.

****

I sip my hot green tea hoping that the chill that permeates everything in me would just go away.

And slowly it does, although the answer I hope will magically appear fails to show.

Who am I?? Is it me or destiny, or the undeniable embroidery of life that stitched together the unmovable pattern that I am to be alone always.  I am not desperate, I know and am learning to guard, my feeling of self-value.  I hurt, yet I do not know where to go with this.  I look at men I find attractive, and I feel like I am leering at them.  I soldier it on, pretending as best I can that it is not there hoping it soon won't be.  Am I a loser?

I work out fiendishly now, possessed by a need to transform into the person I want to become.  The underlying fear also exists (I will admit) that I also won't look good for the  guy that I might want.  I look for in myself the person that I want; the person I want to be. It is a perilous thing; not knowing the future.  I must stay out of the moshpit while I seek to heal myself; grow strong, to be well.