Plan of care

Perhaps it IS closure that I am sensing lately, as my friend Wendy suggested.  Since finding out that the divorce papers were signed, truthfully, I am not quite sure what I feel.  I do know that I no longer feel the desperate need to blog on the web site I had been going to daily for divorcING women for these past few years. That motivation stopped instantaneously with little fanfare.  I am divorced- past tense.

Truthfully, I don't know if it is closure I am feeling.  My sensibilities tell me it's done.  It needed to be done, my heart and my head both agreed.  It is like reading a tragedy, the rollercoaster ride had to roll into a stop, into homeplace..and my head is still reeling a bit before I feel like I can get out of the carriage. Or perhaps it is more like when I was with my sister, brother-in-law, my Dad's girlfriend, and my now ex, waiting for my Dad to pass away on the ER table; he had suffered a mortal wound to his now-ruptured aortic artery.  We waited for the beep beep of the life monitor to stop as he slowly bled to death, it was awful.  And then it stopped.

If truth be told, it is like another death; that loss of a loved one, gone forever.

And now I am moving on.  I don't want to live the life of regret or continued blame, his or mine.  I am comfortable, oddly, with the fact of acknowledging his unkindness and abuse were over the limit after years of life commitment together.  The search for whys and the "no-no wait" is over.  This is past history now.  I am looking to live my life without the bitterness which could threaten to slow that new and exciting venture down.  I want to live my life, with my kids interest and my interest at the forefront.

And now, if  I can not pay a bill or suffer a blow, it is my task to deal with each and every obstacle.  And, in the same token, the happiness is mine to "bear" as well.  I am so damn lucky, and I know it.  I have a job I love and am blessed to have.  I have my children and they are amazing, even as I put them through the stuff they need to experience.  I can finally look forward, to release that breath I had not realized I have been holding for so long.

And I will let my lawyer do her thing, to exact to the best of her ability, the things he agreed to provide for the kids.  And I will try to release the emotional attachment of all that might encompass, and treat it as an annoying bleb, a necessity but one that I am content to let itself work itself out in court with her expertise.  I have other things to think about, stress about, enjoy.  LIVE.

I am putting on the backburner the idea of "finding someone".  Not giving up, because that would be too sad, but letting life come to me, rather than actively seek it on a venue like "Match".  Its not my thing, at least not now...and I could not bring myself to post any pictures, or follow it up in any tangible way. I will set that to the wind for now, and see what life brings.  I want to enjoy, savor, and really, really smile.

I don't think I am there yet.  But like a good healthcare professional, I have learned it is important to set forth the main objectives of any "plan of care"; incorporating the wants and needs of the "patient" into the plan of action.  And as equally important, to assess the functional limitations that are holding back tbe "patient" from living the life they would like to lead.  It makes sense:  it is time for instituting the strengthening portion of my program because the acute phase of injury has passed.  Scars are set in place, and good wound healing (compliments of adjunct counseling) have helped that along.  I am ready to see what happens next.

I hope this is right, I don't really know.  "Working single mother", was not ever on my gameplan.  And God knows it is not easy.  But maybe that is what God wants me to learn; that I got this.

eclipse

sleeping sleeping little loves of mine
awake awake breathes the fire in my mind
air air lungs struggle to fill
as the night  meanders on,
meanders into day

Transient

 Sometimes, life doesn't feel so clear cut or simple. Sometimes, it also feels like I have a big "L" stamped on my forehead.  I am left behind tonight, I am sad.  What brings me here, this matted place in the grass?  I have been here so often that the place is thick with dried dead leaves, drool, and tears. I could not resist looking at him tonight. My ex-lover, life partner (?).  He was wearing a pastel colored shirt and tight black jeans (paunch riding over the beltline).  He is apparently reinventing himself (because he would never agree to wear those colorful things with me).

Sadness clings to me because my girl told me the only plan she had for this weekend was to finish a popsicle stick arts and crafts project that is to be for "dad's girlfriend's son".  What hurts more, that its for his girlfriend's progeny, or because its for HER son and not a special craft geared just for my baby? I don't know, except to say, there is a dull ache squirming in my chest.

When did his view that our own lives stopped being enough, "special in its own right"? Or that he now felt he could "do better" than to be with someone he now detests? And when did that person become me?

I am divorced. And I am pursuing through legal channels the financial recompense that I am owed by him, because I have no choice.  He will be angry, he will be denigrating, he will thinking: how can I be so mean.

And my heart breaks.  He will never know, nor would he care if he did.  He will never be kind to me again.  He will never think that I am a good person again.  He thinks I am a liar, a horror, a master manipulator.  And the fact that I am alone or that I have trouble paying our bills no longer concerns him, even if it means our children will suffer for it too.

But you know, I am not any of those meanly said things.  And I don't deserve to be near someone so mean.  

And again, tonight, I made direct eye contact through a wall of glass, the bay window in what once was our kitchen.  My heart sank, my stomach felt sick.  A melonballer hollowed out a spherical hole in my heart. Not wanting to feel it, not wanting to look.  

Where will this lead?

I am a Suze Orman special

The kind that is often featured at the beginning of an episode: divorced(ing), 50-something w two kids, high credit card debt struggling to make ends meet.  What should she do?

Answer:  Stress out!  

My triggers have always been financial related; lessons from my childhood to always appreciate the value of money above all else.  And while I have taken great pains to try to do this, the vise tightens.

The newest twist is in the refusal of assisting any more in the medical bills for the kids.  Ironically, last night he took the kids out again, to one of their favorite restaurants, stopping afterwards to CVS to buy them necessary (to the kids) trinkets...likely spending easily, $100?  In the meantime, he "neglects" to pay for the outstanding $200 bill to our daughter's allergist, so I can bring her in for a f/u in the next month.

I know, all I hear also is blah, blah, blah.  Yet the point remains that this morning I am digging through my change purse to find lunch money for my son-  not having anything to give him at home.  Waiting, you see for my paycheck (hopefully at 9am), when I am hoping my direct deposit goes through.   

Also ironically, somehow, is the fact that on paper I should not be struggling.  Between the basic child support he does pay, and the blessed income I make from the job I love- it comes to a decent  salary (barely) that I command.  Furthermore, the house I now own, required a mortgage that was reasonable- and was pulled when times were great (2.5% interest fixed, you can not beat).  My credit card debt, is another matter- I owe a sum to the tune of $18k, mostly residuals from our marriage and now, frighteningly and slowly, creeping up for that time just before my paycheck comes and I can not afford gas, food.  My kids no longer do activities, my son's hair looks like Scooby Do's friend, Shaggy. I am paying the bills, but never quite meeting them fully by about $1k a month because he refuses to pay for the childcare, tutoring as noted on the stip. and now medical?!  The legal fee I have now carries a balance, and my lawyer is expensive.  After $27k in legal fees spent so far, I just can not justify going into my savings any more.  My Volvo is leaking oil (and has 89k miles on it), my toilets need a professional plumber.  I had thought at the legal table for our stipulation signing, "I can do this, maybe we would be okay".. But now I am not so sure.

And my pride makes me insist on taking my kids out to dinner with my sister, get my only nephew a nice bday gift..provide a bday my daughter that she wants; modest in her wishes.

I wake up now, not so much to lament my loss of him, but to feel the increase in my blood pressure- pounding my heart into anxiety.  I don't know where to go with this, and I am afraid.  I am pulling in all my financial personal investment knowledge; I am looking through help wanted ads for a potential part time weekend position to help supplement- but I am so physically tired, I don't know if I can pull it off.  There is a bleeding of my time to experience down time, for even then it is filled with my job, and the, my stress and sadness.  Joy, what is that again?

He clearly feels wronged, and in his warped intellect- feels I am this controlling manipulative bitch who is controlling the children; keeping them from him, their father.  He has left at least a dozen messages for the kids on voicemail telling them to call him back "if they are allowed"-- these are on the days he does not have them... I have set boundaries from this man who rolled his eyes at me when I said his neck grabbing, poking, pinning down behavior with drunken fits and denigrating actions towards me were ABUSIVE.  Whatever.  He is no longer allowed to do this, nor call my house however late he wants-- and it infuriates him, surely to be "required" to call his kids' cell phone instead, because its late and we (kids and I) are upstairs getting ready for bed.  Call earlier then, duh!

I am tired.  Mentally, physically at times.  I feel I will do this, make it work, steely will to be sure my chicks and I are safe and sound in our nest.  And if I have to eat pasta leftovers from his nights out with the kids (that they bring home from the restaurants),  or quinoa and black beans for three days/nights in a row (protein protein).. Then I will. But I worry for my kids.  I worry for me.

My day

How I handle stress

(Two years, three months, ten days since he left.)

1. Wake up at 6:20am from really grueling dream about being on vacation w kids in Germany and finding him and his girlfriend and "the" family at same hotel.  Having to walk behind him and gf on staircase (trapped!) and hear them talk about letting kids (d&s and her son sleep n bed with her, even after he has gone to work)..in dream, his family is non-acknowledging, eyes casting aside.

2. Awake, anxiety ramping up about work, going in late because of kid's early dismissal from school and no sitter; and having to bring kid in. Worried about getting "in trouble" at work, though I am pretty sure its okay (have done son past, talked to boss about it on previous occasions)..still, feels unprofessional.

3. Toilet still broken. Plumber? Money??

4. Money very low.

5. Kids going with him this weekend.

6. Feeling hugely insecure and anxious.

Its only 8:15am.

****

Get kids off to school.

Make lunch/dinner for me (healthy quinoa and roasted brussel sprout)

Facebook: see sweet and romantic posting of husband tribute to wife for her bday. :( feeling sad

Go to pay a dr bill that is in my name but not my responsibility, according to our legal agreement.

*****

Cleaning and working from home.

Low level anxiety with ramping up with random thoughts. Feel tired and feeling like it is hard to breathe.

9:31am

******

Coming up for breath, after immersing self in work for hour and half.

Productive, plus paid dr bill (check!)

Still waiting for kid to come home. Back to work. Living in moment.

11:04 am

******

Full and productive day at work, with daughter in tow. Happy, proud, busy.

All thoughts gone momentarily, of my inadequacy, and how some might think I "suck".  I work within my zone, helping thinking producing.  My girl beside me, its happy, its good.  I bring her to a place that I get to show her off, and she 

responds, by being a little proud. 

We finish the day off bringing bags of fast food for all three of us to feast on; burgers and fries, chocolate shakes.  I study Spanish flashcards with my boy, and we are all laughing.

I unclog two toilets making a mental promise to call the plumber tomorrow.

Tired. 

9:08pm

*****

1:01am

I awaken again to find my sweet girl has crawled into my bed once again  And she lays with quiet, steady, breaths, wush wush, my own self becomes sternly awake.  My body aches, my shoulders, my back. I guzzle the cold water on my nightstand, greedily.

I feel alone again.  The grown up in my lovely house, with my lovely children.