The low self esteem train

1) Feel very alone like everyone has someone, something in their  life but me

2) feel there is something wrong with me, like he would say in anger

3) I hear his voice then, telling me that I suck, that im not funny and that people dont think my humor is funny

4) That i am desperate, which he says with a sneer and look of disgust.  Get away from me, he would say.  You are stealing my oxygen.  But I follow him because its been 17 hours since Id seen him last, and that was without a conversation then. He gives me a moment to say something, but he cuts me off- I took too long, "your done", he says walking away.  I feel diminished and worthless.

The kids are asleep in the rooms next door, he has stepped into that moment just before he crashes...and Im alone again, alone all the time.

Its past.

5) then I feel my loneliness more and then remember how he stayed until he knew he had someone else, someone better, someone different.

6) think of my friends, those with husbands, those single friends with family, think of how he would note how all those froends disappeared

7) I remember I have no family except my sister who isn't close to me

8) I feel needy and a failure 

9) i feel afraid

*****

My identity who am I? I had myself with my kids, my job, my brains, my friends, and most of all (?) my husband with whom I was with for a lifetime. I watched his back, and he watched mine..until he stopped. He states how some part of him "will always love me as the mother of his children" and that feels like the biggest disrespect of all..as though I was unlovable as a woman.  My self esteem crashes and dives even lower when I think of that comment, which on the face of it, sounds like it is supposed to be a nice comment.  But its not. Its very cruel.

And he has his girlfriend, the antithesis in looks from me. She is very petite, apparently. I am heavier with muscles. I have dark hair and a round face.  She has blond (dyed) hair and coiffed daily. 

Who am I.... I see my value often nowadays.  The direct pain he gave out is long past, now his meanness is different, from the outside...though ot still hurts.  I cant open my heart to anyone, while there is still someone who wants to sink his teeth onto it still, if he sees that opening.  And what about when he is gone? Will I know what/how/when to feel?