Wine and ennui

I had a lovely night tonight, in an evening that had a sense of great normalcy.

My girlfriends, some old, one new, came over for book club- which had more club and less book discussion over bottles of wine, Pellegrino, and my home cooking.  People I admire, and am happy to know.

My kids were not home, having been picked up by their father not 15 minutes  before the arrival of my first guest.  How strange that was, and yet a kind diversion..having friends over.  Yes, I have friends even after all that has happened. Yes, I can have moments like before where we girls chatted and laughed, and spoke seriously about religion, politics, work.

A little while back, I asked to myself (and here?)..is this all there is? And to answer, I do not feel that sense of hopelessness, not tonight.  

And yet as the friends left, looking to go home to their respective mates, I am once again reminded of my singleness. A big part of me is okay with that now, am I being complacent?  I want more, yet the idea of putting myself out there seems icky. I don't know any more. How do I know when I'm ready? I guess the reason that I got "there", tonight, is now these wonderful friends go home to their loves and I am still feeling somehow incomplete. I know I am whole. I know I am worthwhile. but something is missing!

Is it me? Do I "want" to be stuck? My self esteem is low at these moments; why is it just obvious in occasions such as these?  I think it would be nice to move on, but feel held back.  Don't know why though. Really. I know he is gone.  I don't want him back though I know I mourn the loss of many things (that is not going to go away, but I have accepted that). 

There is still the matter of money we need to fight out (and sadly, that is where it seems like it will go, he is refusing to pay. So that is hanging over my head, as well as the lack of the final divorce decree yet.

I am financially strapped. I am busy at work. I am moving on, shaking the inertia as best I can. Is there something else I am supposed to be doing to move on? 

What never helped is that around men whom I am interested, I immediately feel like a big goon. Too shy! Professionally and with men friends who are not available, I am not this way--far from it. Not looking to settle, but not wanting complete isolation...my sense is that I must be in my alone place. This would be okay if this was new, but its not.  Time to move forward..y'know?  Just not sure how, though the usual ways I guess I am familiar with, not much has panned out...is it me?

Bedtime muse

Its only fair that I write at night, the tail end of my day when I have the benefit of having lived a day of gentle and kind life.  Unlike my mornings, when I often awaken with self doubt and nagging anxiety about who I am, and where my day alone will lead me, I feel better now.

What I wrote the other day, my mantra of, "I do not suck, I do not suck" may seem silly to some (should I ever care to expose that self doubt to anyone).  But its at my core.  My doubt, my albatross. And I want to set it free.  I do not suck, because I am a good person.  I have failings, but not ones due to overindulgence so much as human nature.  And that is definitely okay.  I do not suck, even as someone I trusted and cared about for so many years, told me I did. That was unkindness on his part; I would never do that to another human being, let alone someone who was a family member (little did I know at the time, it was his way, I think, of detaching; the cowards way to be sure).

So I want my last thought before I try to fall asleep again, is: I do not suck. I am a good person.  Kindness to myself, as I would be kind to another.

Winter

Wed 1/15/14
It is another morning of awakening, and I lie here adjusting to the darkness.  My self comes into focus; and, smooths out the wrinkles formed in the night. I take mental stock to make sure I am still all there: the strong and professional persona ready for the workday; the mom who needs to kickstart the kids to school. The woman who hopes for some time to rest and enjoy the day.  Still feeling that thin yet durable mask of loneliness  that asserts itself still every morning.

I miss him, my husband.  But know he is gone. Long gone. Replaced by angry and vindictive man, I re-experience that wonder every morning.  How could this man hate me so, and where is my love? When did he die?

Thirty minutes into my day, I re-focus again.  Okay. All present and time to move forward.  I smile because to smile sometimes turns the tide on my melancholy, and the feeling that I am alone.  (I miss my mom.) SMILE.

And ONWARD.

Sun 1/20
Still plagued by dreams of him, its relentless. I wake up exhausted.  I have  not spoken/ received any texts or emails from him in a while. He did not call kids yesterday.

But in my sleep, its a continuation of him, we are together and he is angry. We are living together and not together. Its hurtful. I never meet his approval, and though I care less about that in my awake state, I am constantly feeling exposed to his toxicity.


In real life, it is still there. He calls kids and I tense up.  He does not call, and I tense up, wondering why.

I feel so lonely still, even as I am busy, busy, and with many good things. Can this loneliness and exhaustion please go away?

I guess I feel stuck (why I went back to therapy).

In a nutshell, he told me that I suck. His final, last hurtful comment (on top of the many) meant to tell me why he was leaving, moving on- rejoicing in his leaving my apparent toxic control.  While he stated that I thought HE was damaged goods, he was telling me that it was I, in fact, who was damaged.

And I am afraid he is right.  My dad told me similar things, even as an adult. My mom ignored me.  I am a nuisance to my sister. Do I "suck"?

He told me that I may seem nice, but underneath I am just me.

I suck. Those words burn in my head, and that keeps me stuck.  What if he is right? What if I find someone else to love, and "trick" them to love me. And then they find out that truth too. I suck.

This is the hurtful mental tape that keeps running through my head.  I know it should not.  But his saying these things to me, over and over, seemed to make it real, somehow.

And what is really confusing is:  why is there such a big part of me that misses him? He was my 
reality maker for so long.  My validation in who I was, and when things were good, that was a very good thing. But now that empowerment I had given him, that trust so deeply ingrained, has become twisted; perverted. 

So my thought process now brings me to this:  it makes sense how I have been feeling, because the dynamic of trusting your husband, friend to watch your back for so long MUST change when he no longer feels that way.  It is not something that is a "given", this continuity of trust.  It was okay to trust in the before.  it is not okay to let someone to have that negative power over you.  Not dad. Not Ex.
 Not family. And I did not know that before.

Now I do.

Please God, give me the strength to act alone, to trust myself alone with no other validation.  It feels 
raw, frightening, desperately lonely at times.

To believe in my heart, and to replace his voice with my own:

I DO NOT SUCK. I make a mental note to tell myself this everyday, even if I feel silly doing so.

The other piece that I have wonder is, does he have any idea how much I loved him? Trusted and gave all my heart to? Will he ever know the feelings about his apparent the constant betrayal of that trust, early: by his lack of follow through in he would say he was going to do (when we did not know about the ADD); and later, by his not coming home, by his words and abuse, by his complete disdain and utter stomping on my self esteem ("you are sucking my oxygen, get away from me").

I loved you and you did this to me- the person you loved and committed a lifetime of promise to.  That pain will never go away, the fact that you did this to another human being.  Let that be your 
conscience and that of your new loved ones.

Promise to myself:
But being that "human", I choose to become better, healed. No more a victim but to reach a place that is so much BETTER than I was in with you. So much happier, so much more prosperous (ironically, since owning nice things became so much more important than being with your family- me included, buddy). Our kids will be so happy and we are the family that is tight and close- and you are not one of us because you don't deserve to be.  YOU LEFT.


The dreams will stop.  My self doubts about my value as a human being will ebb away; if for no other reason because as a single parent I want my voice to my kids to be from a healthy, self loving human being. And to pass that gift onto your son and your daughter, to be the same.


I do not suck. I do not suck. I do not suck.


J*****

2014

Tonight is a new night. This day was a new day.  I do not live in the reality of having been devastated any more, from this point on I am responsible for my destiny, and my destiny alone.  

I continue to live by the moral standards that I feel set by my upbringing and by myself; who I am, and who I wish to become.  I will have no regrets.

My biggest challenges still lie in the monumental task of forgiving myself my indiscretions, and forgiving myself for putting up boundaries that are meant to protect me, and my self esteem from someone who served to wipe it away.  From this point on, those boundaries exist as it should; but without any guilt on my part.  People, strangers and non-strangers alike are goven the opportunity to enter my world, but if proven to be harmful or life sucking, will be kindly and politely asked to leave. Self preservation is a worthy goal, despite others who might cast it in a disparaging light.  I know this is a good thing, a healthy thing. 

I grew up with the message of looking inward for self blame; a message fortified by my basic propensities to whip myself "into shape".  But this will change.  I have become more compassionate towards others as a result, but have held back always from being compassionate towards myself.  And that is a drag, and up til now, has not worked towards improving my chances of achieving true happiness (nor helped those around me to either, for that matter). 

I aim to laugh more, let go more, worry less about what others think of me while I continue my path to do for others and for myself.  It feels good to be altruistic, its a delight.  But not at the cost of my swlf esteem.  Again, to reiterate: never again.

Who am I, I have asked over and over again, since he left; since my dad died; mom too.  I feel the answer is close.  In fact it has been staring at me every morning that I wake up.  It is a good thing.

As my anxieties continue to vex me on a daily basis, I try to remember my mantras.  I will feel better in a little while, like a surfer coasting the waves of despair.  I know I will land on the beach, anchoring myself  and gaining my perspective again.  Life is a series of waves, but what goes down almost always comes back up again.  I am becoming expert in riding the tide! No more pain, like before.  I will forgive myself for my sadness, and work to cradle my being with kindness. With self-love.  And in doing so, I can enrich my life and those I love all the better. Mindful of the moments. Having fun, enjoying life! Things to aspire to, all without shame.

I will work hard toward these goals.  I will look towards life and its blessings!  I will lighten up, let go, do what feels good for me in a healthy way.  I won't stray off that path, unless I want to take a detour.

I will promise myself to live as authentically as I can, and to bring forgiveness and ease when I can't.

I am brilliant at many things.  It is an awesome life.

Its 5 am

Devastating and crushing loneliness: i wake up with it often. Bill murray in Lost in Translation kind of aloneness, my dreams are strange and fraught w images.  Lonely, scary, sexual sometimes.  Friends from the past are there, so are my parents. Its life sucking, and happens at the white zone time in the early predawn hours.  I hug my pillow and dig down deep under the covers, riding the wave; knowing I will feel better later in the day.  

My kids leave again for his house.  They don't love it, its been several weekends in a row because of the holidays.  But they are tiding it out too.

What will happen, how many more days of this? Weeks, years? The days are often good, sweet, fun.  But I am alone, and feel the void that comes only when you are in isolation- the great white infirmary of life, or the deep dark dank dungeon; depending on my mood. I slip into that hole sometimes, seamlessly.  And then climb out again, so tired.

But I don't want the void ever to be filled again with sadness, abuse, neglect.  Its a fate worse than the one I presently live in, where my choice exists. Where my children and I can live in an authentic place, no worries of what HE will think in his angry place or not.  How the Hell did that happen? He used to be so kind, funny. No more, and he is dead to me, as I to him.  A faceless email requesting something, tangible but not emotional, by my choice.

I think about the possibilities of a new partner. One I do not wish to fill simply to fill this void.  One that will keep myself and my kids in a protected and never frightening place, or get out!!

I see my friends, happy with their partners, in love even after so many years. And I know I deserve this too. I want it, but am still growing into that thought. Still living in an unbidden fear that rose from experience, and needs to be gently laid to rest.