My seeking heart seeks, but I must let it wander on its own. Embracing, letting go. I enjoy the "now" (no real single moment but fluid), because dammit, the "now" is truly good.
Monday, May 25, 2015
Monday, May 18, 2015
Peaches
Am I okay? A strong heart, a set visage, a directed thought to move on...
Underscored by a constant low level anxiety, clutching within a deep place left of center....rising up in moments by both that which is happy... And infinitely sad.
Am I insane? I no longer know, it seems, how the puzzle pieces might fit in harmony. Prior life defined by the rules and regs of keeping us safe, growing, forward...no longer exists but then, I know anxiety of a different kind resided within my head then too.
So perhaps I've never known what it is to feel grounded, that place I have always sought. Its not that I want life spelled out for me, no not at all. What a bore that would be... I like the possibility of different,,,certainly...or better...
Uncensored joy is what I seek, in my heart, in the heart of those. I love. I have joy
I was told that:
"Change is not lacking"
"Change lets you progress forward"
But then why does it not feel that way? The feeling of being a loser, the one who is indeed lacking is very strong today.
I don't understand why some men feel it okay to treat me in a disregarded way, when they first appear interested. I hear HIS voice again, "yes you seem nice, but underneath you are still just you." And the feeling of devastation, shame, and heartbreak feels renewed. I know this is not the story of anyone else's but my own, at this moment. Perhaps this is for me to believe and not just know, my worth seems a bit hollow, even now.
The fit is important and to seek any connection simply for the sake of having one will be detrimental to me. I don't want that anymore. But what I seek is not coming forward, nor do I seem to be able to find it.
I don't know what the answer is, unless the great karmic answer to my prayer is "NO". But I know that while I await a change for the breeze that flows onto my face, into my soul that brings the replenishment of kinship, I must cradle myself in the loving kindness that is essential to my survival. To my happiness of self fulfillment.
I must not judge myself harshly in the way that has been familiar for way too long. And even if the actions of others succeed to make me feel badly, I must try hard, with deep resolve (!), to not allow myself bring that back to that all too familiar feeling of shame of who I am, along with the feeling of cruel self-reproach and disdain that comes slamming along with it.
Must try, try, try....
Underscored by a constant low level anxiety, clutching within a deep place left of center....rising up in moments by both that which is happy... And infinitely sad.
Am I insane? I no longer know, it seems, how the puzzle pieces might fit in harmony. Prior life defined by the rules and regs of keeping us safe, growing, forward...no longer exists but then, I know anxiety of a different kind resided within my head then too.
So perhaps I've never known what it is to feel grounded, that place I have always sought. Its not that I want life spelled out for me, no not at all. What a bore that would be... I like the possibility of different,,,certainly...or better...
Uncensored joy is what I seek, in my heart, in the heart of those. I love. I have joy
I was told that:
"Change is not lacking"
"Change lets you progress forward"
But then why does it not feel that way? The feeling of being a loser, the one who is indeed lacking is very strong today.
I don't understand why some men feel it okay to treat me in a disregarded way, when they first appear interested. I hear HIS voice again, "yes you seem nice, but underneath you are still just you." And the feeling of devastation, shame, and heartbreak feels renewed. I know this is not the story of anyone else's but my own, at this moment. Perhaps this is for me to believe and not just know, my worth seems a bit hollow, even now.
The fit is important and to seek any connection simply for the sake of having one will be detrimental to me. I don't want that anymore. But what I seek is not coming forward, nor do I seem to be able to find it.
I don't know what the answer is, unless the great karmic answer to my prayer is "NO". But I know that while I await a change for the breeze that flows onto my face, into my soul that brings the replenishment of kinship, I must cradle myself in the loving kindness that is essential to my survival. To my happiness of self fulfillment.
I must not judge myself harshly in the way that has been familiar for way too long. And even if the actions of others succeed to make me feel badly, I must try hard, with deep resolve (!), to not allow myself bring that back to that all too familiar feeling of shame of who I am, along with the feeling of cruel self-reproach and disdain that comes slamming along with it.
Must try, try, try....
Monday, May 11, 2015
Finding peace: en deux parties
I have been thinking about my need in "finding peace", I've written about it before. But until now, I did not appreciate the impermanence of thought that "peace" provides. I have learned that nothing is permanent -a thought truly offered in a non-pessimistic spirit. But finding peace, I kept thinking was a solid form, a coalesced concept on which I needed to strive for. But I was wrong.
Every cell death makes way for cell renewal, and this is apparently my time. But in this case, I realize that shedding the miasma of my previous experiences is like shedding my skin; snake-like in a casing that used to resemble me but always seems to give way to another layer of "somethin' somethin'".
I realize that generally speaking, I talk a good game. I know what I should be feeling. I know the talk of healing, balance and joy. Yet the truth is, I know nothing beyond that which resides past the end of my nose (if that).
But lately, only just lately, and after numerous situations where I have "dated" different men (ALL platonically, mind you)...I am becoming less and less afraid about the idea of when I am alone. Its not a state I wish for, nor even aspire to, since my dream is to authentically partner up again someday- having experienced what a nice existence that can be (when things are good, of course).
But I have also learned to hold firm my conviction to avoid the "pick-me dance" again. I am not pushing anyone to fit my mold, nor me theirs simply on the chance that I hope to find that special partnership. Life is about give and take, not force and mold..and I find that indeed I would rather move on than to hang on. There have been real tests of recent moments when I might have taken a different tact, as when I was younger. But I don't really want to anymore.
Finding peace is a dynamic process by which I am learning about who I am, and what it is that I need to attain that particular gold bar.
I do have wants; who knew? I have had my attractions (one way or the other).. But no relationship hence so far have yielded puzzle piece fits, and that is okay. In the wake of the panic that might have ensued in the past (I think??), I now have a toolset that lets me find my center, at least eventually. Exercise is a big one. Meditation. Reading, thinking, and yes..blogging.
But really the biggest thing is recognizing in that hiccup of a moment that exists between great sadness and anxiety and ...me, is the split second realization that I have been nurturing to: STOP, take a moment, and BE kind to myself.
It makes me want to cry.
I want to be kind to myself. I don't want the mean voices of those who have sauntered into my path to linger on. They are not welcome, though I know they don't care and will always hang on to some extent. They are a part of me, my lesson, my bane. In accepting those negatives, facing them, it feels better.
Life is filled with lessons, and though there are still so many for me to struggle through, as well as this one which will be my hovercraft..always there, jettisoning in when I am weak, or sad.. I am learning to try and pull out my strength. The boddhisattva. My spiritual warrior...she lives in me, and is growing stronger.
I write this sentiment in many forms over many entries because it is fundamental to my emotional growth. My survival to become the person I want to grow into. The kind one, grounded in what so many before have figured out.
Leaping into faith and the karmic collective. Facing fear. My fear.
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Put it in the God Box
When you wake up and realize you are past 50 (or for me, 52) and divorced, and feel no one will ever want me.....
I need to remember that it is not my place to find all the answers in the world but to put those "insurmountables" into a box and hand it to God to handle. Put it in the God Box and let Him handle it, then importantly, remember to stop to listen to the messages.
"To own the pain but not to dwell in it." The pain must be witnessed, but not to let it stay. Christiane Northrup gives us that lesson- in her book, "Goddesses never age"; she makes me think.
So today, I will put it in my God Box.
And then, listen.
Saturday, May 2, 2015
Crucial lessons of the b kind
I awake this morning to beautiful sunlight streaming through my window, yet also again to the resounding sound of "those" voices I struggle with almost everyday. The ones that say: "Who would want me, I'm ugly, I am fat, I am "different"."
I know the words are my low self esteem, and the fact that I am still alone; unable to find a suitable partner for my needs. That is not to say I have not put myself "out there", in a way I feel still maintained the respect for myself (read: no wild booty call flings). Many men have sent out "solicitations", only some have I felt a personal interest in pursuing (many I have not); yet all end in a non-progressive and slightly masochistic (it feels like) bend. Why is that?
As the song goes, am I looking for love in all the wrong places? Or could it be that it is not me, so many people looking seem alternately not ready to look, mismatched to my needs, or (worse for me, frankly) me to theirs. It just is.
Yet, of course, there is a little negative banter in my head that says, yes well look how "easily and quickly" the Ex found his "fianceé" and his "true love new beginning". Is it me? What is wrong with me ("you suck, you're controlling, you are just you")? It hurts, and in my heart, I know I still put too much weight in those unkindly offered words.
So the external factors are meeting up with my internal facets in a way that seems to present me with this regularly experienced dilemma. Why do I feel like I need someone at all; am I trying to force a cure to my broken or lonely heart, pathetic and desperate?
Nah, doesn't feel that way. Yes, my need to find partnership is there, I miss that and want that greatly. But not at the cost of my, or my kids', feeling of stability, safety, and self esteem. Importantly, I must acknowledge this as a real and valid need- for I realize that underneath it all, I feel guilt for feeling it. I want someone to love, and to love me. It helps to know I am not being unrealistic or desperate in my need because of the underlying sound of my Ex's voice (the one I still hear) patronizing, condescending, and letting me know he was sure I could find some poor sap to love me, probably someone he himself deemed undesirable (ie an ethnic guy of some sort). He is such an ass.
Maslow, a pretty renowned psychologist, stated that this was a basic need, the finding of love. His version talks about the two flavors of love: the "b" kind (and I wonder if b stood for "best") and the selfish love kind. The former, he wrote as the higher form of love, predominantly embraced by those lucky self-actualized people who have presumably figured it all out. In contrast, the selfish, "me" kind is given as a kind of masturbatory exercise to fulfill a quicker kind of itch; scratch me and then its done. He also lets us know that the majority of us poor bastards really love in a crosshatch of the two kinds.
I get it, in a way. The "b" kind is one that most parents know; it is limitless and filled with the sense that whatever your kid needs, you would gladly give it even if it was in lieu of filling your own wants. The concept of embracing this in a love partnership sounds a bit dangerous, certainly if it were to be one-sided. But if offered in a two sided manner..well, that is interesting.
I guess I need to address the guilt of feeling this need for love. It is a valid need and different from that provided for by my resounding (and mutual) love for my children. They are a blessing, it is true, but not, certainly, to be a replacement for romantic love (though I know many people prefer to just focus on that, and only that). I feel a need for more, and a willingness to open myself up for it.
Yet also providing a source of recent discomfort, is the friendship I have recently tendered with a man that I like, find attractive, and was interested in pursuing a deeper relationship with. Unfortunately, he is not interested in pursuing any kind of relationship except one that is platonic, albeit a regularly meeting one. It is his path, and I guess the notation in my confused brain seeking validation of any kind (sadly) is that he finds me "fulfilling" enough to be around. Valid, though for what, I have no real idea. I am a sounding board for his current state of affairs (going through divorce, finding a new, if not unconventional vocation, talking about his kids/exwife-to-be, etc), and to a much lesser extent, he is one for me. He doesn't seem as interested in my needs, concerns, wants, though he is very pleasant and kind. Fun to talk to because his personality is non-judgmental and easygoing. For me, that does scratch a need- because aggressive behavior is one I run from now. Yet I must also be aware that the laid back personality I find so appealing must not be confused for the uninterested, disconnected, or generally inattentive behavior that was also hallmark to my previous relationship. In other words, I don't want to make a repeated mistake in any new relationship- it triggers a feeling of codependence in me that I no longer wish to ever exercise.
Is that is what is going on here with this new guy? I do not think so, though it doesn't make the frustration any less; wanting someone to be interested in you in a way that he is not..is really frustrating. So my first instinct says to pull back, and remove myself from a situation that promises to be hurtful if I let it proceed. My codependent, doesn't want to be alone, ego wishes to ignore that. But even that is an oversimplification. I just genuinely like the guy. So hanging out for now, watching sports and listening to a new perspective is fun. And that, I realize, is okay too. Overthinking things has always been my weakness, and I am forcing myself out of that comfort zone. In any case, it is absolutely obvious that one action is painstakingly necessary to invoke: I must be kind to myself.
AUTHENTICALLY, UNALTERABLY, KIND TO MYSELF. SELF LOVE OF THE B KIND. It is my path to learn and carry out this lesson.
I know the words are my low self esteem, and the fact that I am still alone; unable to find a suitable partner for my needs. That is not to say I have not put myself "out there", in a way I feel still maintained the respect for myself (read: no wild booty call flings). Many men have sent out "solicitations", only some have I felt a personal interest in pursuing (many I have not); yet all end in a non-progressive and slightly masochistic (it feels like) bend. Why is that?
As the song goes, am I looking for love in all the wrong places? Or could it be that it is not me, so many people looking seem alternately not ready to look, mismatched to my needs, or (worse for me, frankly) me to theirs. It just is.
Yet, of course, there is a little negative banter in my head that says, yes well look how "easily and quickly" the Ex found his "fianceé" and his "true love new beginning". Is it me? What is wrong with me ("you suck, you're controlling, you are just you")? It hurts, and in my heart, I know I still put too much weight in those unkindly offered words.
So the external factors are meeting up with my internal facets in a way that seems to present me with this regularly experienced dilemma. Why do I feel like I need someone at all; am I trying to force a cure to my broken or lonely heart, pathetic and desperate?
Nah, doesn't feel that way. Yes, my need to find partnership is there, I miss that and want that greatly. But not at the cost of my, or my kids', feeling of stability, safety, and self esteem. Importantly, I must acknowledge this as a real and valid need- for I realize that underneath it all, I feel guilt for feeling it. I want someone to love, and to love me. It helps to know I am not being unrealistic or desperate in my need because of the underlying sound of my Ex's voice (the one I still hear) patronizing, condescending, and letting me know he was sure I could find some poor sap to love me, probably someone he himself deemed undesirable (ie an ethnic guy of some sort). He is such an ass.
Maslow, a pretty renowned psychologist, stated that this was a basic need, the finding of love. His version talks about the two flavors of love: the "b" kind (and I wonder if b stood for "best") and the selfish love kind. The former, he wrote as the higher form of love, predominantly embraced by those lucky self-actualized people who have presumably figured it all out. In contrast, the selfish, "me" kind is given as a kind of masturbatory exercise to fulfill a quicker kind of itch; scratch me and then its done. He also lets us know that the majority of us poor bastards really love in a crosshatch of the two kinds.
I get it, in a way. The "b" kind is one that most parents know; it is limitless and filled with the sense that whatever your kid needs, you would gladly give it even if it was in lieu of filling your own wants. The concept of embracing this in a love partnership sounds a bit dangerous, certainly if it were to be one-sided. But if offered in a two sided manner..well, that is interesting.
I guess I need to address the guilt of feeling this need for love. It is a valid need and different from that provided for by my resounding (and mutual) love for my children. They are a blessing, it is true, but not, certainly, to be a replacement for romantic love (though I know many people prefer to just focus on that, and only that). I feel a need for more, and a willingness to open myself up for it.
Yet also providing a source of recent discomfort, is the friendship I have recently tendered with a man that I like, find attractive, and was interested in pursuing a deeper relationship with. Unfortunately, he is not interested in pursuing any kind of relationship except one that is platonic, albeit a regularly meeting one. It is his path, and I guess the notation in my confused brain seeking validation of any kind (sadly) is that he finds me "fulfilling" enough to be around. Valid, though for what, I have no real idea. I am a sounding board for his current state of affairs (going through divorce, finding a new, if not unconventional vocation, talking about his kids/exwife-to-be, etc), and to a much lesser extent, he is one for me. He doesn't seem as interested in my needs, concerns, wants, though he is very pleasant and kind. Fun to talk to because his personality is non-judgmental and easygoing. For me, that does scratch a need- because aggressive behavior is one I run from now. Yet I must also be aware that the laid back personality I find so appealing must not be confused for the uninterested, disconnected, or generally inattentive behavior that was also hallmark to my previous relationship. In other words, I don't want to make a repeated mistake in any new relationship- it triggers a feeling of codependence in me that I no longer wish to ever exercise.
Is that is what is going on here with this new guy? I do not think so, though it doesn't make the frustration any less; wanting someone to be interested in you in a way that he is not..is really frustrating. So my first instinct says to pull back, and remove myself from a situation that promises to be hurtful if I let it proceed. My codependent, doesn't want to be alone, ego wishes to ignore that. But even that is an oversimplification. I just genuinely like the guy. So hanging out for now, watching sports and listening to a new perspective is fun. And that, I realize, is okay too. Overthinking things has always been my weakness, and I am forcing myself out of that comfort zone. In any case, it is absolutely obvious that one action is painstakingly necessary to invoke: I must be kind to myself.
AUTHENTICALLY, UNALTERABLY, KIND TO MYSELF. SELF LOVE OF THE B KIND. It is my path to learn and carry out this lesson.
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