Its funny

It's funny how he still lies to me, and even funnier still how I can, even now , try to rationalize it to lessen the act.  He does it, a small part of my brain says, because he still loves me and because he doesn't want to hurt me.  He states he has to work late, thus needing to switch his night with the kids (I say no). I later find out its because it was her birthday the day before, a night she could not go out because she had HER kid with her.  Funny how the mind will do things to try to self protect from harm..and at least I know that someone (me) is trying to protect me (even if its "just" me).

It has its toll.  I cant really lie to myself, because it ends up coming out in my dreams.

At 2am, I awake with that familiar sense of loss.  Its strange how in my dreams I can cry to the point of senseless heaving, only to awake dry eyed...but oh so sad and bewildered.  Its only in a few places, can I admit this..here, anonymously, or in my journal.

In my dream, he is with her (thankfully in a way that i did not have to awaken to remember once again that he was with her and not me). In this dream, he tells me he has quit his job "for now" so that he could make more subcontracting and thus, pay "us", meaning for my household and now his/"hers".  In my dream, he has been working a few steps from me..but it might as well be miles.

Why oh why do I still dream?  In the day, my heart and my mind acknowledges the shift, the cosmic change that says he is no longer with me..til death does not part. My mind says, quite bravely, that 25 years together or not, its over and that its for the better because he hurt me, emotionally and physically.

I have been moving forward slowly within my comfort zone.  I continue to stalk the online sites, lol, but refuse to make contact for fear of the dreaded rebound and because, well because I am still married in the eyes of the law and in the eyes of God.  Never mind he sleeps with another, nor that they have plans to marry (I hear from my little daughter who read her dads messages on his phone, without her knowledge.).  I prepare myself.  I hear how in February he had sent a general email to all his family about how she is the "love of his life" and to back off  from criticizing...good Catholic that he is, I wonder how he can really say it is all okay to do what he has done and look in the mirror.  To say, without a shred of doubt, it was because it was my fault...all of it.

And yet...I miss my husband, the one who was really there. With whom we spent years working together to make our house, a home; our lives with children, a family.  No more. Its been four years since the Hell first began, with an argument (i wanted him to use a pillow for his back, and he was discounting me, rudely) that culminated with him grabbing me harshly by the arm and pushing my car keys into my crotch..."Ill show you!!".  I relive it over and over...yet he had told me two years ago that I needed to "get over it".  It was, after all (in his surmisement) just a temporary moment of bis insanity where he pushed keys into my "p####, so get over it already".  No, I wont.  And large amounts of therapy has not lessened that memory, nor the hurt and betrayal that I felt from it.
The birth of this "new" man.

And so this new man, with my old lovers face..lies.  He has yet to tell me about his girlfriend. Or his plans to marry.  Or his attachments elsewhere, except perhaps in his continual insistence and inquiries for me to get my lawyer to finish with the divorce process, as though I am holding things up. And for me to finish paying off and severing our marital debts (as agreed for me to do in exchange for the buyout)-  but well before I am obligated to do (at the time of the actual decree).

I am strong, hear me roar.  But.  Still but, because roaring or not, as I look at myself earnestly, under that cold light of introspection, my heart still hurts remarkably, for him.  As I held my baby, over the sobbing of her tears, I had said, "shh, love does not die like that, baby, daddy still loves you". And I think to myself, "no, love does not just die or disappear".  But in so many ways, I wait for it to fade further away, so that perhaps I can move forward for real with an authentic and loving heart. For me. And
 then hopefully, for another who will treat me with the live and respect I deserve.  Oh, oh to sleep
now...perchance to dream...