A life, a loss, and the sun still streams in after

I heard about the loss of someone I loved, but had not heard from in many years.  My brother-in-law, or should I say my ex-BIL, since he had divorced my sister in law (soon to be ex) many years ago.  Leukemia took his life, he was in his early 60s?
My memories of him include a lot of laughter, silly behavior. He liked to banter, social butterfly.  As it turns out, his wife (my soon to be ex- SIL) states (I heard through my soon to be not husband) that he had liked to play too much from almost Day one, lending to marital discord.  Yet years after the divorce, he remarried to a younger woman and after much history making stuff, they had a set of sweet twin boys, now 6.  Still, I know it was not all bad those years, as I'm sure she knew.  Twenty plus years of marriage, doesn't lie.

I heard about his long term illness yesterday from my own soon to be ex husband, not having known about it before (or not registering it from years past having been in remission for so long).  And my heart broke.  He was family, and the loss was something I acutely feel, even now.  Funny how this family tie still crosses over the years of losing touch; and over the dissolution of legal ties, both his and mine.  We all weep today, this family because of this loss.  And I am struck by the irony of it.

And for the first time in months, I dialed my husbands cell to find out the specifics.  Horror over the thought of this man's suffering transcending the horror of our own recent issues.  My husband, soon to be ex, or ex already.. was disconnected yet oddly less so in years.  I asked about Dad, his Dad, who I heard had been ill., and of Mom, whom I've not spoken to in months.

I asked about this man's ex-wife, my husband exhusbands sister, and this is what he said.  "She is grieving, after all she loves him, loved him for all those years.  And now she has been there for him, and really, for the kids.

It was a message almost foretelling of the future, it seemed.  Our future, to appear long after the judges ink on the divorce decree has dried.  Long after, in all likelihood, our children have entered their adulthood.  And long after he will be married again.

The future where I am venturing on my own.  Not scary, but real.  And I am, oddly sad but feeling ready. I've no wish to be alone for the next thirty five some odd years, or even the next five.  But not desperate either.  Just ready to be ready.  Time to set my fears away.  Fly.

God bless you CW.

Re-define

Having read my last post of moments ago, I am struck by the sound of my thoughts: he said this, she did this... All true, yet now I must ask myself frankly, in the full face of brutal objectivity. How much of this should really define who I am or what my value is.  

I know that many of the voices swirling around us, even from those we love, have more to do with the need for others to make sense of their lives, their needs.  Yet, somehow, I seem all too willing to hold up those things as a way to define and, almost prove, my lack of self worth.  

Let me mull on this, and not let myself get away with that "failsafe habit" that really in the end fails to make me feel safe, but rather oppressed by my perceived unworthiness. 

While it is true I may do things that make others around me stressed because I cant deal with some of   the stress of life, I am no different from those around me. No better, but importantly, NO WORSE. The ubiquitous anxiety that we all encounter in our everyday lives, rising up and down with the tide of events and worries,  we all attempt to soothe in different ways.  Some of those ways were "offered" as aggression or unkindness to me, its true, but its nothing to do with me.  My courage must be to face how I seek to soothe my own ubiquitous anxiety.  Not through self hate, or stress towards others.  But through healthy avenues that allows me to become courageous enough to face my own fears.

Out of his radar, excised from his world

It is as if I dont exist, though I guess that is fair.  I have struggled to make him go away, to disappear because seeing him, hearing him, interactions of any kind with him are too painful.  I want to be normal again, just a woman who is okay, not different, not pathetic or desperate (as he had called me, with that look of distaste in his eyes).   I guess the same is true with him.  

He doesn't acknowledge my texts anymore, including those which concern the kids. He has his woman there all the time, with the kids and I am sure without. Delighting in the fact, if his comments before he left were any indication, that he no longer HAS to do anything I care or cared about.  That he is no longer in my "control". Was I that bad, as I tried to navigate our lives through the obstacles we had to go hrough together when he refused to help; largely I know now due to his inability to (ADHD is a bitch).  Did I make this up, I wonder, as he would like me to believe.  As I am sure his new wife to be would suggest, "no honey, its not you".  

The days when he would ignore me or my attempts to start conversations.  "Say something important", he would say.  Something about what he had to do for the day, for us, for the kids.  Otherwise leave him alone, to wash the car for six hours or putter outside, or sleep on the couch, or fall into the cell phone he now carried with him as a though it were an infant cradled to his chest. Never agreeing to help me with the groceries unless I gave him that list I was too tired to make, or help pay bills or go over the finances together like a couple should. I'm a bitch, plain and simple. Our cleaning lady was inefficient, according to him, and I was lazy.

Later, as he tuned in thanks to the meds, he looked at me accusingly.  How could you do this with the finances (though I did nothing wrong)- where were you all these years when I begged you to sit down with me so you could be part of the decision-making process?  You act as if I was stealing from you, though I have no clue why.  Did you not see how your retirement fund was 2.5 times bigger than mine, foolishly for me thinking it'd be okay because we would use it all together when the time came; what did it matter where they were sequestered?

I know now, that I never let myself unwind enough because I felt the weight of responsibility on my shoulders with the finances, the house, the kids needs.  He liked to drink in bars and get drunk, be the fun guy with his bar friends, like when I met him.  That should have been a clue- I don't like hanging out in bars on a regular basis; it feels/felt juvenile when there were so many more interesting things to do, including hanging out with our kids..making sweet memories.  And I insisted at the time he not do what he wanted, but do what our family needed.  I did not see the resentment that fostered.  He worked longer and longer hours, staying away, tuning out, engrossing himself at work.

We would go out on dates, which was fine except... There would be a lack of things to talk about, beyond the kids.  Other things that involved my attention: bills, needs of the kids, needs of us..were considered too stressful for him to hear and I felt put off, wanting help in those decisions.  He, in turn, would tell me about his work ,his ongoing jobs, and I would listen.  But it would get confusing and I started to mix them all up.  By that point too, I was working a part-time job or jobs, my plate was full, or so I thought.

These days, my plate is overflowing, except when its not, lol.  When the kids are with him, the house is stone quiet. The loneliness becomes resounding.  I miss them.  I miss my family.  My parents are dead, my sister is involved in her own life,  I have no one else.  Sadly, I can say friends help but its not the same.  

I start to troll on Match. Com, not moving forward, not acting but only looking.  What lies in moving into that step, I wonder, gripping me in stagnancy.  What lies,still unforeseen and lurking in the inner recesses of  my brain- its a scary thought.  Maybe I am as FUCKeD up as my husband said. Or controlling.  Maybe there is something inherently wrong with me like he said, or like my dad had said.  For full disclosure, let me say I felt my mom who I loved and miss everyday, always ignored me. I sought after her approval everyday she was here, but tried to make it not so obvious when the cancer took her strength.  I loved her so much.  The "gift" of not knowing my self worth lingers and even persists when I see my sister, who could get in the habit of deep sighs or subtle reprimands.  I understand, ways to express concern, and she needs to be self involved in her life.  She can't deal with the stress or sensitivities of mine, or something might give. Or maybe its because our relationship is not what it ever will be and thats okay.

In any case, I work to figure out what makes the difference. Whats that tipping point that makes me "different" and do I truly believe that? No, not on my good days.  I feel no desire to bring any low self esteem neurosis wherever I go.  Like Marley's heavy chains, those demons clank too loud for me now, they are too heavy to carry.  And I want more.  I want FUN and REAL JOY! No guilt!

To not have to continually explain to anyone, including myself, why I feel as I do.  I am what I am.  Isn't that what GOD said in the Bible?  

NoI have not developed a God-complex; I still acknowledge my weakness, warts (I just need to keep that balanced with noting my self worth).  They are still there, though the nature of them seems to be changing.  I just want to note, that the big guy upstairs seems to have known what he was talking about.  We are who we are.  And that must be enough.

My life now?

Why do I feel so vulnerable?  I am getting two beautiful trees cut down in front of my house, on either side of my driveway because they are diseased and pose a threat to safety to the structure they stand next to- my house.  But I feel like I am losing something important, almost like children. Is that silly?  But my heart feels so sad, and I keep edging closer to where I keep my Xanax, though I don't like to use it (and don't, very often).  

But today, its making me feel sad and alone.  I know it would have made me sad in any case; I love trees and think its a crime to have to cut down such beautiful ones.  But I know in the past, he would have been handling this completely, while I fretted.  He would be yukking it up with the foreman, using the leftover wood for free firewood.  But I just can't manage that thought. I would have to cut it into smaller pieces, for example, and I can't deal with that.  And that thought makes me feel even sadder, and alone.  Vulnerable.

I was not expecting to feel this way.  It has caught me off guard, and that is brutal.  I am strong, aren't I? Or am I?  I see the cut down pieces of beautiful wood, and my heart twangs because it feels a little like I relate too closely to those fractured pieces.  Again, how did this happen? It's unreal, this is my life. Money worries, health worries, every little thing has the potential of crescendoing into an over-reaction, if I let it.  Because if I screw up, I am on my own. No help or comfort from anyone who really cares, who is my family.  No one, except my kids, who are still little.  And that makes me feel worse, not better.

But look, the sun is streaming in stronger now into my kitchen.  It is "sun-kissed" and bright.  My kids are getting picked up for the weekend and I am meeting some friends for a drink.  I have plenty of work to do, I must do.  But that damnable loneliness, the "how I'm now different from everyone else..I have to force it away, gulp it down, try to face the fear and look at it. Tangible, manageable.  I have to.

Checking my own status

Okay.  So while I will openly admit that I am not where I want to be,  good things have happened over these last3-4 years (since this HELL started).  

I am still not officially divorced, and after 24 year marriage with two kids to a guy who became a total narcissist, maybe thats not surprising.  Yes, I still miss my husband..ALOT. And I am giving myself special dispensation to feel that way, because that is what you get when you truly spent many authentic years in a loving relationship, regardless of what his memory might reflect now (sadly).

But during this time, I (and my kids) have been given the time to learn to let go, set up boundaries, and come to terms with the idea that the man that I had placed my full and utter trust in, was..no longer there at all.

And even more, in his place is that one person alive in this world who thinks extraordinarily bad things about me.  And I have been learning to reconcile myself to that though its still a struggle. I needed this time.

But there really is more good stuff:

I have, in this time, been able to develop my professional career since this stuff started (after being a total SAHM for  11 years) to a point that I now have a job I love, with great hours, respect (which was awesome for the low self esteem I came in with) benefits, and a decent salary.

With that salary and state mandated child support, I was able to qualify for a mortgage (2.5% interest, thank you!) to refinance our house. So now its all mine, and my kids and I  have that security and consistency.  Thankfully as CFO all these years, I made a point to try to get back our equity on the house as early as possible, so the debt I have now, I think, will be doable.  And though there are expenses in upkeep and new skills to learn (fast!), we are learning to make do.  And its good.

I am also thankful that I am and have been over the last 15 years, learning anything I could on financial management.  I am a freak about financial security (thanks mom and dad).  Today, I am scrupulously looking over my financial situation, and my debt constantly.

And weirdly, I am thinking it will be okay.  For me, life has not been a switch on and off, but a series of life lessons.  

Best of all, I have been going through a spiritual rebirth of sorts.  I joined a church I love, though I was not raised in any specific denomination and had been going to a different church for years for the kids (as per his wishes, and I was okay with that)..this one feels more my speed. And it makes me happy. 

I have developed tools to help me with stress (which I am grateful for because with or without him, there was always STRESS).  Meditation is awesome. Exercise, diet, playing(!).  Dressing nicely with makeup, the whole thing because it makes ME feel good...and not doing it for anyone else.  Being kind to myself as best I can, and when I can't, I go to my friends or here (or pop in my Pema Chodron audiotape on "becoming fearless".

I am not dating. Yet. Whoo boy, that will be a big one. Ill come back to that one...because I am still shy!  Its lonely to be alone, but significantly better than to be with someone abusive, physically, verbally, emotionally.  Oddly, I know the emotional abuse was the worst out of the three, and it has taken this long to really start to let myself heal from this ultimate betrayal.  Who knows whats under my brain when it comes to relationships (?), yet I feel I have learned much on what to accept and not accept, at least minimally, in a love relationship.

So, things ARE better.  Life truly is this path that I am learning to travel solo.  The women here, MANY, have shown me that they could succeed too, through their individual story lines.  They have given me strength at my darkest hours and I will be forever grateful.  And while we are often a "culled" population of sad women going through tough times..we are also a group of amazing and resourceful women!  Just keep reading....

:)

Lifeiswhatyoumakeit.  Timeisshort. Trustinyourself. Theglassishalffullnottheglassishalfempty.

A stream of endless platitudes, many which I spout myself, believe in when I am strong.  Things have been better.  I have been smiling more, feeling better about myself.  My job is busy, I am doing well. Money is still a struggle, but I'm lucky and I know it.  Spiritual growth rising from the ashes of spiritual devastation.

But I want my life to be like a teen beach movie. Happy, surfs up, cute boys, carefree days.  Can I ever become that happy? The truth is, maybe I never was..but I had enough belief  to think that life could be lived on solid ground, never wavering beyond that which I already knew about. I will survive, Gloria Gaynor told me so.

Yet today I am feeling what the French call "ennui".  Lonely, listless..just plain tuckered out. Start of school for the kids, and my class I'm teaching. Exhausted.  Maybe 9/11 was a grim reminder of the horror that people could do.  He said at the time, he was going to try and appreciate what he had, us.  And now?

The phone rang late last night. Unknown caller. I picked it up and no one was saying anything, but there was someone on the other end.  Twice it rang, and I said each time, "who is this?!".  After, I wondered if it was him.  Doubt it (he is in the other place, the land of someone better, in his mind anyway). But still I wondered.  And felt infintisimally sad.

We see the other happy couples everywhere.  And I wonder can I, really, feel that way again?  Perhaps I'm not ready to try, though I thought I was. I want more, yet I can't help but looking back. I
feel fear of trying again, of getting hurt. of "screwing things up" because his voice and my dads voice is there.  "whats wrong with you, everyone ends up turning on you?". I still hear the mean nasties,
even now.  Fainter each time, or believing them less.  Looking at each meanly flung comment as reflections of another's weakness more than mine. But still I wonder.

Ennui.