In my dream we are standing in the driveway of my parents house, but its our house. The garage door is open and the driveway is strewn with what he deems his possessions. A case of expensive Duraflame logs, which I cannot afford; are his. I sneak one and throw it inside when I think he is not looking. I take something else too, secretively.
Then I see a "young" sister, his youngest sister with whom I had been friendly with these many years. She ignores me and stands close to my husband, giving him kisses and hugs of support, during his "trying" time. She knows about his abuse, his physical betrayal in real life, but I guess, "dream" sister doesn't care. And in reality, she never calls to see how I am, so I guess it is true. His sister, T, is there too and walks up to me to say hi. But I can barely acknowledge her- when his sentiment towards me changed, she became really rude to me and fully supported her brother in his venture to get away from his "bitch of a wife", me, and start over with someone new- whom she embraces fully, her. I am sure I know what he said to her, about my uncaring acts towards him, all untrue. The loss of my surrogate family, my family of 20+ years, hurts.
*****
The next dream is even more killer. I am standing in the rain in an unknown town, in the country? He is there too,ignoring me. But for whatever reason, we take a cheap hotel room together because we are stranded and thats all they have. It is a "by the hour" kind of room, though adequate. I look at him, and in a way that makes me feel ashamed, go up and hug him, hard and long- the way I used to. Because I miss him and love him still. And he half heartedly returns it, not interested. He goes outside on the deck and we talk on the phone. but midway, he hangs up on me. I go outside and he is there, looking at his cell phone. Like he used to. And it hurts, hurts so much.
But in this dream, he reminds me of his accusations- how I always tried to control him and boss him around, while I realize that no, what I did was try to take care of him because he couldn't, wouldn't do for himself; for reasons I could not understand. ("Dont't say 'no'" he would shout at me. "Don't talk with your hands. Don't use that tone of voice. Don't make that face.". One of many such real memories, representing his mental baggage not mine.).
And he didn't, at the end, want to be taken care of- which I guess is fair, though at the same token, he didn't want to work with me towards our goals in life either. I guess, he just wanted to do for himself, go for his objectives and not worry about "our" objectives- happy life, happy kids, nice home; unless it fit with his own agenda, in his own timeframe, in his own (unmatched to me), risky (compared to me) financial manner. And that is not a dream, I guess. Perhaps that is what I needed to learn.
I don't want to have to take care of my partner anymore, so much as collaborate. Though, to be honest, the thought of not having control like this, scares me. I got used to being in charge, because there was no one else at the helm, and I would have to get used to giving up control..the very thing, he used to accuse me of being. Controlling. Lol, the irony is there.
The problem was, whenever I did give it up, the responsibility, in my marriage- things would not happen. The bills would go unpaid, the food unshopped, the kids' needs not taken care of, unless I started to nag him about it, which made it worse. Perhaps I should have let him crash and burn, hoping he'd learn. Perhaps. But over the years, I'm sure I did try that...and it generated fights.so it became easier to just "shut up" and "do", instead..
And the social behavior that I was afraid of- his love of "kicking back a few", then a few more, so on...frightened me. Rightly so, I think, because it became a problem.. So I nagged him on that too, while taking care of everything, being in control, but resentful of it at the same time. The resentment, I wonder, is a good sign? Because in truth, I didn't want to be master of the helm all the time, not the controller as he claims. I just wanted the occasional alternate master to be someone capable of making wise choices. And he couldn't seem to, by my real estimation.
Funny. Sad.
What would I have done differently? I don't know. Because the truth is, I am a nice and typically thoughtful person. And all my actions over the years, culminating in the dissolution of our marriage was, as far as I can tell, done with the intent of being a loving and supporting partner.
Perhaps, the real thing is to know that, my self worth is high. I should not, and will not let others, even those I love intensely, take away my right to feel of value and engaged in the things I hold dear, while striving to maintain that level of companionship and respect that all. relationships need. To not talk over someone else (which I did with him, at he end, because what he was saying was so hurtful in his accusations, not a good thing either way, I know).
I am afraid, I admit, of screwing up again-- though I think I am still allowing my husband to throw too much blame for our relationship woes onto my shoulders. Way too much. Which tells me that my low self esteem is still talking. I have to let my feeling of value take root. Pride in myself in a voice that is my own, and not anyone else's. Something that others can not take away, no matter what. Its still a struggle, perhaps always will be. But I will fight it.
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