Sweetness in the scary dark

In the quiet moments of my stress, I feel sorry for myself. For what things should be like and for what they are not.  But I also know this is a moment in time, a blip, a blink, a breathless plink plink. I remember my action plan is to tuck in during these moments and to give myself special permission to not think; to breathe in  small whispers and to exhale the fear slowly, deliberately lest some cosmic wind be unsettled.

I want, I need, I exist. The track keeps moving, and I am pulled forward against my will, heels dug in until I remember to let it go. Groundless in the ground; looking for my heart and my hope in what feels like the dark.

Exhale, breathe slowly, don't think just for tonight tuck in. Tuck in.

Check in

Today is a blip.  I am feeling insignificant in this place of greatness.  I know the nature of the wave that pushed me over and it does not feel good. Mean voices telling me that I am not worthwhile and that I should give up is strong today.  But today's lesson is another reminder to be kind to myself, and to love myself fully even as I feel that no one else does.

Kindness can come in the form of a quiet voice, a gentle pat from even myself, saying, "shhhh." It will be okay.

April 2 2016

It is April 2. I can hardly believe it is 3 months since I last wrote, and I wonder why that is. (Smile).  I have been busy, and time moves forward:

Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.”

(O. Khayyim)

I am not sad all the time, though stress and work are my soldiers.  So is happiness and self-awareness, I am happy to report.  It is the testament of all that we say should "work", introspection and spiritual awakening to find that sweet spot that says "let me function".  So I am. Functioning.

Things are not all roses and unicorns.  But I have jumped into the cadence of life; my work, my children, my desire to have my own identity.  I work out almost everyday at my gym, and love it.  I have my small circle of people, who know me and I know.   I don't know if that constitutes friendships as of yet, but I would like to say they are padding to those times when I have no one.  

And that "no one" is a partner unto themselves, "they" keep me company in my own skin.  Perhaps the truth is, I do have someone.  It's me. (Hello, lol).  I date, and often.  But those comprise meetings of men from OKCupid, for example, who seem nice and in the same place as I.  My mindset is to welcome an opportunity to meet new people, potential partners; but not to compromise on what I know I want, what I need.  Friends, yes, but if there were to be more...well that is a criteria that must be complementary and not rigid.  Some have reached into that inner circle, but then ousted (or have left, whatever that means).  It's okay, truly.  I would like to meet someone more "organically", but in whatever way that comes up..I know everyone is traveling on their own path.  It's the journey which might complement mine but I sure do not want to live it for them. 

Strewth. I have no idea how I got to this place.  

But I'm staying here for now.

And whoever is reading this, I truly hope you are finding your peace.  In the meantime, I'll be back. 

Many blessings. 

Jan 2016 Apprehension, fear, anxiety...wave

January 11, 2016

I awaken this early morning, afraid.  Trying to remember the tools that I have learned, or read about, to stay present, to allow myself to feel the pain, the negative experience so that I might see it, feel it, then let it go.

It doesn't feel good.  I am hoping that this Buddhist view is real, patent, true since my hope is that I can finally grow out of this lifetime of insecurity and sadness.  

Triggered last night, this insecurity is couched in the feeling of fear of having to face another day, trying to find a partner, a lover, a friend.  To worry about the mountain climb of newness, exposure, vulnerability.  To have to let go, of the same experience that I thought I had surpassed with someone I liked, but was made clear that it would not work.  Feelings of failure and not making the grade.  I know that is not really true.  I wanted it to work as a loving romantic relationship, but it was not right.  Not good.  Or even "good enough" (which would have not been acceptable either).  I have grown this way, taken control, opened myself to vulnerability in the hopes of attaining in these  years the real love that I seek.  Yet I am so tired, so many men I have spoken to, dated, exposed my heart to.  It is scary in and unto itself.  

So this moment feels real.  And it is a cold, dark and dreary January morning. I teach again tomorrow, which makes my fear of incompetence segue from this fear of vulnerability and aloneness.  [Brene Brown, where are you?]

Things I must do, take responsibility for, be a grown up about- but feeling. Overwhelmed. Somewhat frightened.  Lost.  It is a real moment.  But I will ride this wave.  I must.  I will take care of paying my bills this morning.  I will get my notes for tomorrow together.  I will go do my treat with Linda.  Be here for the kids.  Be here for me.  Exercise.  Get ready.  Prepare.  Meditate. Be present.

Namaste means honor myself as I honor others.  Loving kindness.  I struggle to remember. Namaste.

Happy New Year

It's a new day.  It's a new way.  I'm feelin' fine, I'm feelin' like I want to dance, and sway.

The problems of last year have gone, and given way to my soul, I know it, I feel it..

It's a brand new day.  A brand new way.