Who am I

Social functions have changed since he left.  For the better, in that I am responsible only for the kids and myself.  No worries that he will get drunk, or I have to drive home with him like that. But it is hard being the "one going through divorce".  The only non-coupled in a room of couples mainly.  I actually sat at the "divorced and recoupled (or soon to be divorced-i.e. ME)" ladies table, much like the children's table at Thanksgiving.  Not because we were place there, but perhaps self-selected there.  Plus it was near the sushi platter. My kids were unaware, having disappeared into the throng of kids upstairs...and that was really good.  That sense of normalcy is what I am striving for, not just for them, but for me too.  I don't know if I achieved that latter, because I ultimately spent much of it having to explain how I got "to this point", but it was okay.  I spoke about many other things too, and by the time we left we had merged into that muddle mass of party people, talking the small talk, eating, drinking.  True confessions however forces me to note that after I went to bed, I spent a largely sleepless night, tossing and turning.  Feeling so alone and uncoupled and wishing I could move my life into the next stage of life..meeting someone real, being with someone again but this time in a real unit- not the pretend one fraught with anxiety but true loving and connected companionship.  I could dream, can't I?