Its different now, I think...

Its my dreams again, dammit.  I wake with that feeling of loss and low self esteem from having been tossed aside, discarded as undesirable and alone.

In my dream we are standing in the driveway of my parents house, but its our house.  The garage door is open and the driveway is strewn with what he deems his possessions.  A case of expensive Duraflame logs, which I cannot afford; are his.  I sneak one and throw it inside when I think he is not looking.  I take something else too, secretively.  

Then I see a "young" sister, his youngest sister with whom I had been friendly with these many years.  She ignores me and stands close to my husband, giving him kisses and hugs of support, during his "trying" time.  She knows about his abuse, his physical betrayal in real life, but I guess, "dream" sister doesn't care.  And in reality, she never calls to see how I am, so I guess it is true.  His sister, T, is there too and walks up to me to say hi.  But I can barely acknowledge her- when his sentiment towards me changed, she became really rude to me and fully supported her brother in his venture to get away from his "bitch of a wife", me, and start over with someone new- whom she embraces fully, her.  I am sure I know what he said to her, about my uncaring acts towards him, all untrue.  The loss of my surrogate family, my family of 20+ years, hurts.

*****

The next dream is even more killer.  I am standing in the rain in an unknown town, in the country?  He is there too,ignoring me.  But for whatever reason, we take a cheap hotel room together because we are stranded and thats all they have.  It is a "by the hour" kind of room, though adequate.  I look at him, and in a way that makes me feel ashamed, go up and hug him, hard and long- the way I used to.  Because I miss him and love him still. And he half heartedly returns it, not interested. He goes outside on the deck and we talk on the phone.  but midway, he hangs up on me.  I go outside and he is there, looking at his cell phone.  Like he used to. And it hurts, hurts so much.

But in this dream, he reminds me of his accusations- how I always tried to control him and boss him around, while I realize that no, what I did was try to take care of him because he couldn't, wouldn't do for himself; for reasons I could not understand. ("Dont't say 'no'" he would shout at me. "Don't talk with your hands. Don't use that tone of voice. Don't make that face.".  One of many such real memories, representing his mental baggage not mine.). 

And he didn't, at the end, want to be taken care of- which I guess is fair, though at the same token, he didn't want to work with me towards our goals in life either.  I guess, he just wanted to do for himself, go for his objectives and not worry about "our" objectives- happy life, happy kids, nice home; unless it fit with his own agenda, in his own timeframe, in his own (unmatched to me), risky (compared to me) financial manner.  And that is not a dream, I guess.  Perhaps that is what I needed to learn.

I don't want to have to take care of my partner anymore, so much as collaborate.  Though, to be honest, the thought of not having control like this, scares me.  I got used to being in charge, because there was no one else at the helm, and I would have to get used to giving up control..the very thing, he used to accuse me of being.  Controlling. Lol, the irony is there.

The problem was, whenever I did give it up, the responsibility, in my marriage- things would not happen.  The bills would go unpaid, the food unshopped, the kids' needs not taken care of, unless I started to nag him about it, which made it worse. Perhaps I should have let him crash and burn, hoping he'd learn.  Perhaps.  But over the years, I'm sure I did try that...and it generated fights.so it became easier to just "shut up" and "do", instead..

And the social behavior that I was afraid of-  his love of "kicking back a few", then a few more, so on...frightened me.  Rightly so, I think, because it became a problem..  So I nagged him on that too, while taking care of everything, being in control, but resentful of it at the same time.  The resentment, I wonder, is a good sign?  Because in truth, I didn't want to be master of the helm all the time, not the controller as he claims.  I just wanted the occasional alternate master to be someone capable of making wise choices.  And he couldn't seem to, by my real estimation.

Funny.  Sad.

What would I have done differently?  I don't know.  Because the truth is, I am a nice and typically thoughtful person.  And all my actions over the years, culminating in the dissolution of our marriage was, as far as I can tell, done with the intent of being a loving and supporting partner.  

Perhaps, the real thing is to know that, my self worth is high.  I should not, and will not let others, even those I love intensely, take away my right to feel of value and engaged in the things I hold dear, while striving to maintain that level of  companionship and respect that all. relationships need.  To not talk over someone else (which I did with him, at he end, because what he was saying was so hurtful in his accusations, not a good thing either way, I know).

I am afraid, I admit, of screwing up again-- though I think I am still allowing my husband to throw too much blame for our relationship woes onto my shoulders.  Way too much. Which tells me that my low self esteem is still talking.  I have to let my feeling of value take root.  Pride in myself in a voice that is my own, and not anyone else's.  Something that others can not take away, no matter what.  Its still a struggle, perhaps always will be.  But I will fight it.

Fighting against feeling spiritually bereft

It makes me feel,..?  To hear he and his girlfriend are going away this weekend.  In truth, I don't want to know anymore, while I do.  I want to feel good about myself, and I don't.  I feel fat and old, and different (being asian) in a place where so many are skinny and caucasian (albeit "old" like me.).  I sometimes wonder if my "white" cultural identity, having grown up in white, middle class suburbia,  has set me up for failure in never living up to others expectations.  Or that at the end of the day,I'll  always be different.  Being divorced and alone, feels all too familiar a feeling of the same theme.

Being 20lbs overweight definitely does not help. So today, I am joining weight watchers again, even though I can not afford it because I need to do something.  Perhaps this is a stopgap move, but I can't sleep again and I cant seem to get to that place of being where I need to be, emotionally.   And that feeling, I think, might end up being an obstacle to my goal of moving forward.

Then again, I dont know how true this is.  I have been skinny before, and still felt alone and "different".  Different good, different bad.  It still feels a bit like being a pariah.  I have friends, many.  I am a size 6-8 depending upon the brand.  But my body image sucks, I know.  Never quite feel that I meet up to standards no matter how hard I try, and that is low self esteem talking, I know. It comes in an internal voice of my mom, my husband (who he still officially is), my sister, my dad.  I fight this feeling constantly, especially mornings.  The weird thing, is I know I apply this same harsh and critical  view to others.  I almost can not help it.  Its what we were taught as well, I think, because my sister is the same way, if not worse.

But I know this:  at some point it is important to stop blaming things on the past.  To live in the present, molding and retraining your thought processes to whatever it is that you need to be.  And, hopefully, not becoming a selfish and uncaring A-1 asshole about it, as my husband has become.


On a good day though, I will know that I'm not actually bad looking. Nor incredibly obese.  And that one of the things that makes me different is my intelligence and serious commitments towards doing the right thing, learning, growing, helping people and promoting a general well being in myself and others, if I can.  But, Jesus, how hard it is when I hear about his meanderings, his apparent "joy" in his new life.

Adventures begin...

So it seems I am moving to "Phase Two" of project LIFE after being devastated by divorce after a seeming lifetime of Hell brought on by someone who you thought would always be there but decided instead that "you suck" (one of many brilliant epiphanies he had)....

I decided that with the official changes happening (ie settlement papers signed, finally!), that I needed to start going out.  So whenever a reasonable opportunity (and some slightly crazy off the cuff ones too) pops up, I'm jumping in and grabbing it.  For me, that is HUGE because I've always been an intellectual, "take a step back and analyze the situation and not make any kind of rash decisions" kind of woman.

Whats next?

Pulling up my big girl pants...

I'm approved! The evidence of at least one formal validation as an institution deems me reliable to okay a mortgage for a quarter of a million dollars. After which I should have no other debt but the mortgage, will have some cash savings, a modest retirement fund, a good job that lets me build on this while being home for when my kids are home, more often than not.  Its a stunning relief, because the message is that I dont have to leave my home or become penniless in keeping it.  My kids can feel safe, and perhaps, things may really be okay.  I want to see a financial advisor to get confirmation, and keep crunching the numbers over and over.  But it might be okay.  And the biggest hurdle of all, is to let myself breathe and enjoy life again, and to really enjoy our life together instead of just pretending to. I need to find things to do when the kids are gone, to feel like a successful and "happening" kind of woman and not the poor schlub that I feel inside.  And to take my own advice, and concertedly make an effort to NOT care about what is going on with his life, his woman and her son (ie the "new family"), his plans... And worst of all, his desire to take the kids "away" from me.  The battle for me is constantly within, with his continual angry impulsive, "mysterious" and covert behavior helping to perpetuate my fears.

Empty

Feeling like a whiner, an empty vessel unsure of what to do next. No longer wanting grief, afraid to step forward. Conflicted. Sad. Missing my life, and worse, missing him and our life, forever undone. Children asleep, I am awake. Where do I go from here, a place in my life stretching before me that feels like it will be a lonely life, or a less than filling one.  But I don't want that, I expect more,. So what do I do? Questions, and answers stretch before me in a flat and endless path...

Signed

The first time I can draw a breath...with caution.  The settlement agreement has been signed, hashed out, anger tabled by him, minimally, to "get 'er done".  Its a fair deal, if he follows it (which I am doubting he will).  A million pounds have been released, none the less and now I must work hard to get things pulled together, asap, for the house refinance. My stomach has oddly decided to emptyits contents from the last 18 months..am I sick? I don't know.  I feel relief, to be away from this crazy man, the one everyone says I must always interact with because we have children, but I don't know how true that really is, per se. He is an abuser, in every sense, at least towards me.  No more hiding it.  He hurt me, physically, neck grabbing, soul sucking, intimidating, denigrating behavior.  As he put it at the four way, "DONE."  No more.  And now I must figure out where to go from here.  With my life, my soul search to find my life and identity again.  A trip already started.  It is yet another precipice I stand over, lol, one of many over these past few years.  Fear, trepidation. And a bit of hope, anticipation.  I will expect more from life and from others.  I will try my hardest to not let anyone sell me short, including (especially) me..  Breathe, breathe with center and balance. I try for this, with smatterings of  happiness, peace, and constancy restored for both kids and me.  I will try my hardest, dear God, with love and friends.  Say a prayer for me, and positive thoughts if you can (I breathe these words  to the wind and no one else, because these thoughts are mine. Its mine.).

Its in the air tonight...

Tomorrow is the BIG day, I feel it in the air. The four way settlement meeting, Act III. He wants it done, and so it is.  My heart is done too, keeps feeling broken, trodden, flat. Dont be mean any more, dont be that person that hates and despises me, world dont hate me, son dont hate me, wherever I turn it feels flat.  Is it me after all, as he says, as dad said-- "whats wrong with you" and so I ask, whats wrong with me.  Nothing, I struggle for air, i try to swim from under this rushing current...nothing, i pAddle harder and harder..but it feels like i keep getting sucked down.  Tomorrow is the Big day, the big day,  i want it over but I don't want to hurt anymore.  No more hurt, no more pain, no more sadness that feels interminable.  I will make it through.  I know I will.  I know my son loves me.  I know my daughter loves me.  I know my sadness is temporary, for there will be light.  I want joy, and I will feel it again.  I will.

Light is returning, I force my smile and it feels better.  I work to challenge myself, to do what I've not done before, for me...just me. And that feels foreign, tinged with a tiny bit of guilt that my actions for the day were not for my kids, or once, for him.  I tentatively check out what thats like, "doing for me", and knowing it is an important "life lesson" as my daughter likes to quote.  She is 9 years old, and so smart, so sensitive.  My son is too, in his teenage microcosm as it should be, would be if all were "normal".  And it is,... Normal.  So life lesson of the day, is to do things for me, to take care of me, with no guilt- no "who do you think you are".  I am me, I amme, and I need to take care, to love and nurture me.  Iamme. Light. Smile. Joy.

The low self esteem train

1) Feel very alone like everyone has someone, something in their  life but me

2) feel there is something wrong with me, like he would say in anger

3) I hear his voice then, telling me that I suck, that im not funny and that people dont think my humor is funny

4) That i am desperate, which he says with a sneer and look of disgust.  Get away from me, he would say.  You are stealing my oxygen.  But I follow him because its been 17 hours since Id seen him last, and that was without a conversation then. He gives me a moment to say something, but he cuts me off- I took too long, "your done", he says walking away.  I feel diminished and worthless.

The kids are asleep in the rooms next door, he has stepped into that moment just before he crashes...and Im alone again, alone all the time.

Its past.

5) then I feel my loneliness more and then remember how he stayed until he knew he had someone else, someone better, someone different.

6) think of my friends, those with husbands, those single friends with family, think of how he would note how all those froends disappeared

7) I remember I have no family except my sister who isn't close to me

8) I feel needy and a failure 

9) i feel afraid

*****

My identity who am I? I had myself with my kids, my job, my brains, my friends, and most of all (?) my husband with whom I was with for a lifetime. I watched his back, and he watched mine..until he stopped. He states how some part of him "will always love me as the mother of his children" and that feels like the biggest disrespect of all..as though I was unlovable as a woman.  My self esteem crashes and dives even lower when I think of that comment, which on the face of it, sounds like it is supposed to be a nice comment.  But its not. Its very cruel.

And he has his girlfriend, the antithesis in looks from me. She is very petite, apparently. I am heavier with muscles. I have dark hair and a round face.  She has blond (dyed) hair and coiffed daily. 

Who am I.... I see my value often nowadays.  The direct pain he gave out is long past, now his meanness is different, from the outside...though ot still hurts.  I cant open my heart to anyone, while there is still someone who wants to sink his teeth onto it still, if he sees that opening.  And what about when he is gone? Will I know what/how/when to feel? 

A new morning, today.

The sense of something new is afoot, or perhaps, the closure of something old impending soon, soon. I feel like I am standing on a figurative precipice, wondering if I am about to jump off and fly (or crash to my death on the rocks below).  I don't know, but it is not an eminently bad feeling after all those years of heartache, sadness, grief.  I feel alone, but less lonely than before.  Needing to fill my time, yes, though my time often feels too full already.  I want to do things, with my kids --we've been in limbo too long.  I want to do things as a individual, and as a woman - though my insecurities have always (and still do) make me less comfortable with the latter.  I am exploring, tentatively, who I am. Crawling slowly and with a little fear/trepidation that something or someone will want to slam me down.  Being squashed like a bug is not a fun thing, and I know this firsthand. So many of  the forces of influence in my life before "the now" looked at me with sarcasm- "how dare I feel the way I do, who do you think you are" these voices would say.  And one of those voices was my own, and that is in my control to change.  I am me, you see.  I am good, or at least okay.  Or wonderful, depending upon what aspect is in question.  Crawling slowly forward, in my own time, in my own way; and most importantly, with the mustering of my very own validation of who I am.  A daily exercise (and sometimes onorous feeling process if I let it be) to be acknowledged by me, someone who was never allowed to do so before, most of all by me.  I have to REMEMBER.....