Fighting against feeling spiritually bereft

It makes me feel,..?  To hear he and his girlfriend are going away this weekend.  In truth, I don't want to know anymore, while I do.  I want to feel good about myself, and I don't.  I feel fat and old, and different (being asian) in a place where so many are skinny and caucasian (albeit "old" like me.).  I sometimes wonder if my "white" cultural identity, having grown up in white, middle class suburbia,  has set me up for failure in never living up to others expectations.  Or that at the end of the day,I'll  always be different.  Being divorced and alone, feels all too familiar a feeling of the same theme.

Being 20lbs overweight definitely does not help. So today, I am joining weight watchers again, even though I can not afford it because I need to do something.  Perhaps this is a stopgap move, but I can't sleep again and I cant seem to get to that place of being where I need to be, emotionally.   And that feeling, I think, might end up being an obstacle to my goal of moving forward.

Then again, I dont know how true this is.  I have been skinny before, and still felt alone and "different".  Different good, different bad.  It still feels a bit like being a pariah.  I have friends, many.  I am a size 6-8 depending upon the brand.  But my body image sucks, I know.  Never quite feel that I meet up to standards no matter how hard I try, and that is low self esteem talking, I know. It comes in an internal voice of my mom, my husband (who he still officially is), my sister, my dad.  I fight this feeling constantly, especially mornings.  The weird thing, is I know I apply this same harsh and critical  view to others.  I almost can not help it.  Its what we were taught as well, I think, because my sister is the same way, if not worse.

But I know this:  at some point it is important to stop blaming things on the past.  To live in the present, molding and retraining your thought processes to whatever it is that you need to be.  And, hopefully, not becoming a selfish and uncaring A-1 asshole about it, as my husband has become.


On a good day though, I will know that I'm not actually bad looking. Nor incredibly obese.  And that one of the things that makes me different is my intelligence and serious commitments towards doing the right thing, learning, growing, helping people and promoting a general well being in myself and others, if I can.  But, Jesus, how hard it is when I hear about his meanderings, his apparent "joy" in his new life.