Oh wait, I get it.... 

Childs eye: minds eye

In a moment of clarity, I realize simply that why it hurts so much is that, he was my family in every sense of the word; from my young adulthood to now, middle age.  In my childs eye:minds eye, I never really understood that people could genuinely disavow any connection to you after that long term commitment, that unchanging fact.  It is a shock, one of those facts of life that resounds of innocence; innocence lost.  When you tell your child about sex for the first time. Or own up to the fact that there is no Santa. Or when your momma dies, and you realize the next morning that you will never, ever talk to them again on this earth.

The way one must feel when someone you love willingly hurts you because they consciously make the choice to do so, even after they promised a lifetime of love and allegiance. To refuse to accept and love your faults, as you would do theirs-- as you do for family; your blood,your identity.

To realize that even though you have known them as family the greater part of both your lives, that they say you are dead to them, book closed, as painful as if your dad, mom,  looks at you and says you are no longer family.  Entrance into yet another secret club that imbues its members that knowledge no one had before, or wanted. Cavalier: "No great biggie.. it happens", they say. And you are left not quite believing that there is no family anymore. Or love. Who does that?

Not Einsteins theory, but perhaps as complex even in its simplicity.  And to know now, that such possibilities exist, is the one my mind has had trouble wrapping around, understanding, or even believing.

Its time to move on. But to where? I have knowledge that I did not have before. And unsure what to do with it.