What is the point of knowing what you should do, to find joy and happiness when all you want to do is change things back to what you knew, only better?  I sat in the car at the supermarket, watching people drive by.  One lady had a secret smile as she loaded up her car.  Was she happy about the mallomars she just bought, or was there a bigger secret there?  What was the lady with the big dog in the front seat thinking? Happiness? Sadness? Anger?

Its like there is some big primordial pool of emotions, and sometimes I feel like I missed the memo on how it is I am supposed to feel.  Like the piggy bank that I got when I was a kid, the one my son now owns.  Four sides, with the first side saying "I am happy today", the next, "I am sad today", "angry", "silly".  Why is there no side that says, "I am conflicted today", with my face cross-eyed and grimaced?

My girl came home crying one day, "Mama, I know a secret, but you can't tell anyone".  "What is it baby?"  Sobs, hugs with little arms wrapping mine.  She knows too much.  The Daddy and the girlfriend, this married woman who doesnt care if she is hurting her homefront too.  Hasnt for a long time, because they have been together a long time, certainly when he was here at home. And now,  Daddy likes scented candles all through his apartment.

How does this make me feel?  I know my heart breaks for my little girl.  And angry that he would do this to her.  Knowing, he will never know that he did, or if he did have a clue, would quickly and swiftly blame me.  And I know, my heart breaks for me too, because I feel so so alone.  Abandoned, like a box  no longer needed to contain things.  A square with no real use. But I know its not true, at the same time.

So there you have it.

I am conflicted today.