Footwear

Sitting on the train going into the city, I am struck by how well my mind seems to function first thing (after a couple of cups of coffee, of course).  The clarity of thought is temporary before the many events and responsibilities of my day push in and confuses my early am radar focus.

But for now, things are pretty clear.  I feel strong today.  The weather is beautiful, and I am chugging into an "upper management" meeting though I am not u.m.  I like what I do, I feel like I am accomplishing something important, it makes a difference I think in a tiny microcosm kind of way.  I have two large empty poster tubes straddled between my thighs, because I am schlepping into Harlem later to do one more chore, one more thing. But it oddly feels "cool" to do so, even though I know it is so NOT.

I guess the thing is, I am finding my identity; the thing that states in ten words or less who I am when I meet someone for the first time.  Its a daunting task for anyone.  Who am I ?  Or more importantly, who do I want to be?  The answer keeps changing, and is currently underscored with a sense of dynamic change.

I am at my job now for two and a half years.  I am progressing at a clip. I feel comfortable, though filled with the prototypical angst that I will carry with me into any position I care about (will I measure up, will I do the right thing, will I not fuck up).  Sheryl Sandberg says "lean in", so I am trying in a way that I can feel comfortable in, yet pushed to test my courage.  It is interesting.

I am feeling what it is like to walk in my shoes.  Not the one filled by the mother that I am (those I know well, they are comfortable and well loved- I know this).  Not the daughter shoes, my parents are gone these many years now.  Not the wife clogs that made me stomp around, doing what I needed to do for my ex, for my family, for US.

The shoes I wear now are lighter, with a more tenuous yet flexible sole.  I like them though am afraid I might trip and twist my ankles.  What will happen then?  The woman I am, her voice is rising to tell me what will happen, and even more importantly what it is that I want to have happen.

This woman and I have been chatting over our coffee times, sitting with our Ipad to scratch out my own thoughts, to-do lists, needs assessment.  We have figured out that I am often too hard on myself, and it is not a good thing for me or anyone around me.  That has to stop as best I can, for angry and low self esteem Sybil does no one any good.  I also know that I am a loving person, filled with a tendency to want and need strong attachments to people I love and respect.  And I need that returned, in an authentic and even keeled way.  I must remember not to sell myself short in my desire for that valid goal, no more pick me pick me!! It is a good thing, an active process.  Letting myself grow into that is a tediously slow process, I must be patient.

I have also been talking to my CFO, me.  We set up a board meeting with all of the other "me's" and determined after a cost base analysis that DEBT sucks, and puts ALL of us in fear of our lives.  So CFO has put her foot down amd stated all debt must go before all else, save for retirement, health, and emergency cushion growths.  It is fair, given that I do not anticipate that it will really take that long to do (I hope!).  Moving on because my goals and objectives remain the same.

So there you have it.  My train is just rolling through the tunnel just as my full mental assessment comes to a close.  Bucket list comes next.
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Addendum: "Fun" me showed up late to the meeting and demanded that we still acknowledge, in a responsible way, debt allocations that still accommodate relaxing but occasional downtime at Starbucks, martinis with friends, and the occasional extremely cute shoe purchase.  In full validation of all of me, we unanimously voted to do so on a reasonable basis, lest all work and no...well makes things boring.


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Its even  later in the day, kids asleep:  Feeling...

like I would like to talk, to a person that cared about me, a guy who pulled me into his tribe the way I would pull him into mine.  Into his arms, into his life.  A feeling of ease is pleasant, with no preconceptions, slate wiped clean; pristine.  The saying of "if I knew then what I know now" doesn't apply because it IS the now, opportunity rises up to meet what I know.

Hugs, desire, laughter, trust.

Honesty, warmth, kindness, mutual respect.  A moshpit filled with colors that are dynamic, moving, coasting into the ocean, the salty smell and sound of waves crashing..feeling real, hard, exciting.

 I feel it as much as I feel the fear of "what ifs"; what if never, what if the again happens, what if. But then that feeling allays in lieu of want, and frankly, inner peace.  Patience, openness to new things, balance. Sleep.