I know what love is.
I was married for 25 years, at least as the crow flies, from the moment we committed to our lifelong love to the very moment the court judge scrawled her signature to our divorce decree. But by many people's interpretation, they might say this fact is validation of an abysmal failure, DIVORCE.
I felt this for a long time. Failure. Loss. Abject devastation. All CHECKED, as easily as I now could check the "separated/divorced" box on so many forms. This ticked item, coexisting with the alarming fact I could also check the "50 and above" age box, has essentially served to facilitate how people (myself included) could now identify me as to who I was now.
I walk in the path of many...but does that mean I am one of the faceless crowds of divorcees, huddling together in a proverbial cold spell of bitterness, fear, and loneliness? Not. Well, at least not on a regular day, thank you very much. While I will own to some of these feelings on occasion (most often, frankly, the last)... I, along with so many others of my "ilk", have found that it actually is okay to be divorced. Or in my case, to be "that woman".
No, I m not without financial problems (of the "squeezing my genitals 'til it hurts" variety), nor blithely co-existing without problems from/with my ex. Those issues still glide along as predictably as death and taxes. However, this tide of negativity is one that I understand would flow in no matter what my reality was like- ask anyone. Life is typically filled with trauma, angst, and the "ubiquitous anxiety" my heroine in life, Pema Chodron, speaks about so often. Yes, this really sucks.
Importantly, and this is a big one: the tide of good things roll in as well, no matter who you are. It is the push of life. The reason why newborn babies are so cute, after having to squeeze them out through a tiny passage of "OWWW!" Why, at the end of a limp hamburger and fries, we are treated to the "happy meal toy" of life...even me, and I don't eat meat these days. Its the perennial struggle of Darth Vader meets Skywalker (and all the family dysfunction that might imply), and truthfully why we must embrace life.
One truth, one axiom reigns supreme: I never, ever take life for granted anymore; it is a blessing to embrace regardless.
If for no other reason, I write this blog to remind myself that this tide of life is the POINT; if you get it, then being pulled down by the undertow is less likely. Even better, it makes it oh so much easier to taste the sweetness of when the good, the funny, the passionate bops in.... And I want to be open to notice it!
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