I awake this morning to beautiful sunlight streaming through my window, yet also again to the resounding sound of "those" voices I struggle with almost everyday. The ones that say: "Who would want me, I'm ugly, I am fat, I am "different"."
I know the words are my low self esteem, and the fact that I am still alone; unable to find a suitable partner for my needs. That is not to say I have not put myself "out there", in a way I feel still maintained the respect for myself (read: no wild booty call flings). Many men have sent out "solicitations", only some have I felt a personal interest in pursuing (many I have not); yet all end in a non-progressive and slightly masochistic (it feels like) bend. Why is that?
As the song goes, am I looking for love in all the wrong places? Or could it be that it is not me, so many people looking seem alternately not ready to look, mismatched to my needs, or (worse for me, frankly) me to theirs. It just is.
Yet, of course, there is a little negative banter in my head that says, yes well look how "easily and quickly" the Ex found his "fianceé" and his "true love new beginning". Is it me? What is wrong with me ("you suck, you're controlling, you are just you")? It hurts, and in my heart, I know I still put too much weight in those unkindly offered words.
So the external factors are meeting up with my internal facets in a way that seems to present me with this regularly experienced dilemma. Why do I feel like I need someone at all; am I trying to force a cure to my broken or lonely heart, pathetic and desperate?
Nah, doesn't feel that way. Yes, my need to find partnership is there, I miss that and want that greatly. But not at the cost of my, or my kids', feeling of stability, safety, and self esteem. Importantly, I must acknowledge this as a real and valid need- for I realize that underneath it all, I feel guilt for feeling it. I want someone to love, and to love me. It helps to know I am not being unrealistic or desperate in my need because of the underlying sound of my Ex's voice (the one I still hear) patronizing, condescending, and letting me know he was sure I could find some poor sap to love me, probably someone he himself deemed undesirable (ie an ethnic guy of some sort). He is such an ass.
Maslow, a pretty renowned psychologist, stated that this was a basic need, the finding of love. His version talks about the two flavors of love: the "b" kind (and I wonder if b stood for "best") and the selfish love kind. The former, he wrote as the higher form of love, predominantly embraced by those lucky self-actualized people who have presumably figured it all out. In contrast, the selfish, "me" kind is given as a kind of masturbatory exercise to fulfill a quicker kind of itch; scratch me and then its done. He also lets us know that the majority of us poor bastards really love in a crosshatch of the two kinds.
I get it, in a way. The "b" kind is one that most parents know; it is limitless and filled with the sense that whatever your kid needs, you would gladly give it even if it was in lieu of filling your own wants. The concept of embracing this in a love partnership sounds a bit dangerous, certainly if it were to be one-sided. But if offered in a two sided manner..well, that is interesting.
I guess I need to address the guilt of feeling this need for love. It is a valid need and different from that provided for by my resounding (and mutual) love for my children. They are a blessing, it is true, but not, certainly, to be a replacement for romantic love (though I know many people prefer to just focus on that, and only that). I feel a need for more, and a willingness to open myself up for it.
Yet also providing a source of recent discomfort, is the friendship I have recently tendered with a man that I like, find attractive, and was interested in pursuing a deeper relationship with. Unfortunately, he is not interested in pursuing any kind of relationship except one that is platonic, albeit a regularly meeting one. It is his path, and I guess the notation in my confused brain seeking validation of any kind (sadly) is that he finds me "fulfilling" enough to be around. Valid, though for what, I have no real idea. I am a sounding board for his current state of affairs (going through divorce, finding a new, if not unconventional vocation, talking about his kids/exwife-to-be, etc), and to a much lesser extent, he is one for me. He doesn't seem as interested in my needs, concerns, wants, though he is very pleasant and kind. Fun to talk to because his personality is non-judgmental and easygoing. For me, that does scratch a need- because aggressive behavior is one I run from now. Yet I must also be aware that the laid back personality I find so appealing must not be confused for the uninterested, disconnected, or generally inattentive behavior that was also hallmark to my previous relationship. In other words, I don't want to make a repeated mistake in any new relationship- it triggers a feeling of codependence in me that I no longer wish to ever exercise.
Is that is what is going on here with this new guy? I do not think so, though it doesn't make the frustration any less; wanting someone to be interested in you in a way that he is not..is really frustrating. So my first instinct says to pull back, and remove myself from a situation that promises to be hurtful if I let it proceed. My codependent, doesn't want to be alone, ego wishes to ignore that. But even that is an oversimplification. I just genuinely like the guy. So hanging out for now, watching sports and listening to a new perspective is fun. And that, I realize, is okay too. Overthinking things has always been my weakness, and I am forcing myself out of that comfort zone. In any case, it is absolutely obvious that one action is painstakingly necessary to invoke: I must be kind to myself.
AUTHENTICALLY, UNALTERABLY, KIND TO MYSELF. SELF LOVE OF THE B KIND. It is my path to learn and carry out this lesson.
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