Alone

These days i have been walking around with a veritable smirk on my face. Smirk perk, lurk...it seems like part of me has awakened in a weird latent gene expression kind of way.  I sit by myself more now, no longer feeling like I'm a loser as much as someone sitting in a moment of solace.  I LIKE it, unbelievably as I sip my chai in Starbucks, tapping away on my Ipad.  Alone.

It used to be a word that was synonymous with disaster in my mind. Abject loneliness. LOSER.  Alone, so worthless.  Why that was, I don't know.  Perhaps some Freudian probe could define why some people feel more sensitive to it than others, though some have told me everyone feels this way.  I don't believe it.  Some lucky bastards, I believe are truly more at ease with the idea of being in singletude.  And I think, in some ways I may actually be becoming one.

Full disclosure:  The feeling of wanting more is still there.  That guy, that connection...I feel it, want it, smell it so close in an odd way.  A way that is familiar in that visceral sense that animals might smell each other's pheromones, or perhaps as when you first smell your very own newborn baby.  Recognition.  I know it now, but am taking my time in savoring it. Easing into a sense of...EASE, without letting me slip into that fear of what ifs...want me, need me...it could still be there but I don't want that monster grasp hold of me again, like a bad cocaine addiction or unhealthy masochistic want. No, I'll sip my chai and let the moment steep into what it is, what it feels..and let it feel good.

I hope that this sense is right, to be truthful, I don't really know.  Will I meet that guy who will truly connect with me, love me in the way I need for ever more? And I them? I hope so.  My Meyers Briggs personality test suggests its what I need; my ENFJ wanting that special introverted diplomat, apparently. But that is conjecture.  I have learned there are no sure things.  And I guess, would we really want that anyway?

(Okay, yes.  But it ain't gonna happen)....karma baby.