Facing the fear

Another day....

Its Easter.  I hear the litany; Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ will rise again.

I am curled up in a fetal position, curled within a faux fur blanket. The sadness feels palpable, like a bellyache that one could press on, its a spot that elicits a dull ache.

But the ache is in my heart.  I feel sadness today.  I shouldn't, my kids have just arrived home and are not due to go back for five more hours.  Then why am I sad, feeling an oppressive weight sitting on my chest like a fat cold weight.  It presses hard.  "Does this hurt?" Yes, yes it does.

I saw her name come up on my Facebook link asking if I want to "befriend" her. No, no thank you.  And I notice, oh look she has dropped her married hyphenated name.  Off to new "beginnings" with Ex, having peeked at her Facebook page. I don't know why, it hurt me seeing this.  A smugness in her page, it lies upon the acid washed bones of my sadness. On the discomfort of my children.  On an unreal reality.

The feeling is that of being left behind and discarded, yet I am actually okay with that.  I don't want him anymore.  But I also don't want to be alone anymore, without a partner to call my own. No connection, no one to rely on or to be relied upon. It seems trite, being the woman left behind, the ex-wife.

He is taking our kids with this new woman, his new fiance, and her son, to an expensive resort that we had frequently gone to.  I am financially strapped, no plans for a vacation for me or the kids. So I guess it is good they go with him.

But I feel like a loser, tonight.

It came on like a virus, after watching a romantic video on Facebook posted by a stranger; a young man who had posted an elaborate video of how he planned on proposing to his fiance, a beautiful young woman. It was sweet, but it made me start wondering if any one would ever love me that way again, if he had at all.  It seems like an impossibility, for me to be truly loved by someone I could love as equally.

I saw yesterday again, he had posted a $220 charge on our old joint credit card on a stupid bauble meant for her.  I need not know this but I do.  I awaken to this strange reality, an amnesiac having awakened from their coma after so many years.  How did this happen?  I know it is good, that it did.. But what is there for me now? Where shall my life bring me?

Smirk perk lurk.  I curl in deeper.