Plan of care

Perhaps it IS closure that I am sensing lately, as my friend Wendy suggested.  Since finding out that the divorce papers were signed, truthfully, I am not quite sure what I feel.  I do know that I no longer feel the desperate need to blog on the web site I had been going to daily for divorcING women for these past few years. That motivation stopped instantaneously with little fanfare.  I am divorced- past tense.

Truthfully, I don't know if it is closure I am feeling.  My sensibilities tell me it's done.  It needed to be done, my heart and my head both agreed.  It is like reading a tragedy, the rollercoaster ride had to roll into a stop, into homeplace..and my head is still reeling a bit before I feel like I can get out of the carriage. Or perhaps it is more like when I was with my sister, brother-in-law, my Dad's girlfriend, and my now ex, waiting for my Dad to pass away on the ER table; he had suffered a mortal wound to his now-ruptured aortic artery.  We waited for the beep beep of the life monitor to stop as he slowly bled to death, it was awful.  And then it stopped.

If truth be told, it is like another death; that loss of a loved one, gone forever.

And now I am moving on.  I don't want to live the life of regret or continued blame, his or mine.  I am comfortable, oddly, with the fact of acknowledging his unkindness and abuse were over the limit after years of life commitment together.  The search for whys and the "no-no wait" is over.  This is past history now.  I am looking to live my life without the bitterness which could threaten to slow that new and exciting venture down.  I want to live my life, with my kids interest and my interest at the forefront.

And now, if  I can not pay a bill or suffer a blow, it is my task to deal with each and every obstacle.  And, in the same token, the happiness is mine to "bear" as well.  I am so damn lucky, and I know it.  I have a job I love and am blessed to have.  I have my children and they are amazing, even as I put them through the stuff they need to experience.  I can finally look forward, to release that breath I had not realized I have been holding for so long.

And I will let my lawyer do her thing, to exact to the best of her ability, the things he agreed to provide for the kids.  And I will try to release the emotional attachment of all that might encompass, and treat it as an annoying bleb, a necessity but one that I am content to let itself work itself out in court with her expertise.  I have other things to think about, stress about, enjoy.  LIVE.

I am putting on the backburner the idea of "finding someone".  Not giving up, because that would be too sad, but letting life come to me, rather than actively seek it on a venue like "Match".  Its not my thing, at least not now...and I could not bring myself to post any pictures, or follow it up in any tangible way. I will set that to the wind for now, and see what life brings.  I want to enjoy, savor, and really, really smile.

I don't think I am there yet.  But like a good healthcare professional, I have learned it is important to set forth the main objectives of any "plan of care"; incorporating the wants and needs of the "patient" into the plan of action.  And as equally important, to assess the functional limitations that are holding back tbe "patient" from living the life they would like to lead.  It makes sense:  it is time for instituting the strengthening portion of my program because the acute phase of injury has passed.  Scars are set in place, and good wound healing (compliments of adjunct counseling) have helped that along.  I am ready to see what happens next.

I hope this is right, I don't really know.  "Working single mother", was not ever on my gameplan.  And God knows it is not easy.  But maybe that is what God wants me to learn; that I got this.