Why am I afraid?

Why am I afraid?

The acid in my stomach is there, laying like a solid mass in the pit of my belly.  I could say it is for all the reasons I have thought before, completely outlined from my many, previous commentaries in my own little blog.  I am palpating my jawline,because it feels tender..and my mind goes to thinking I have a tumor growing there.  Irrational.

Its so real because today I know that I am alone. In a completely 100% unadulterated, on-my-own kind of fashion, and it frightens me.  The contentious interactions with the ex are still there but removed and now I live in fear of my lawyer (and her inability to be forthright with me, not letting me know about expenses and steps). 

The divorce is done BUT: I live in fear that my money won't last, and that I cannot adequately keep up with the upkeep of my home.  I live in fear of the other sharks and ineffectual people who cross our paths out of necessity and will try not to "do the right things" for either my kids or me.  I am overwhelmed, and feel the water rising now up to my neck.

I have in my mind that I need to take stock and make a game plan. Doing this makes me feel like I have some control or rationale.  I feel groundless and afraid otherwise. And very, very alone.

First financial, because it is an immediate need.

Second legal, because that is also urgent.  Big surprise: he is not paying for all that he agreed to and is sanctioned by our laws (though he is paying a lot of basic child support, it's not enough-we are drowning in debt).  And that is not fair; he has to help with our children's expenses even as he takes care (and well!) of his own  needs and that of his fiance (who jumped on board before he even left our home: WHATEVER).

Third, my health and my kids health needs to be addressed (finances notwithstanding) because that is also urgent.

Fourth, emotional content that falls under the category of "be kind to me", a difficult thing to adopt for the many reasons I have thought a million times before, but must seriously adopt if I went to resume my real objectives to become truly and authentically happy with my life.  I want to feel like I fully, wholly deserve to love AND like not just myself (which I have done so much more now that "he" is gone) BUT also to allow others feel the same about me.  His
abusive words of the past need to ring hollow and fade into history.

Fifth, my children need to feel and know the security that things will be okay. That though the relationship with their parents have a contentious note (no use trying to hide that), that they will be okay and able to maintain relationships with us both, without hurting the other.

Sixth (and does it really have to be sixth??), I would like to meet men (honestly, just ONE man) that will remind me that the idea of love, and romance, and kindness, respect and admiration is within my grasp as a woman.  Whom I can meet with mutual admiration and respect because they know that drinking and getting drunk in a bar isn't the only equivalent of having a good time. That the final footnote of my life won't be, that "she never recovered from the devastation of their divorce".  I have recovered from that acute loss, and the rest...? Well that will be a process ongoing for many years.  And that is both okay and normal.  Problem set is that I still don't know how to meet those men.  Online dating? Blech.

I want my mom. I want someone who will help me share the load of responsibility that bears down upon my shoulders, pushing down and risking crushing me flat.  I want my husband who used to share this burden with me both emotionally and financially because we knew this was what was best for our family.  Now there is an ex husband who has adopted (not surprisingly) a "me versus her" mentality that surfaces only when put to the task of needing to acknowledge me at all--the rest of the time mired within apathy as he focuses on his new woman, and her son ("their" family), along with the inserts of our children.  I am neatly and vehemently (with pleasure) now cut out of the equation.  Apathy completed.

And that is not a bad thing, because I want to no longer think about his craziness and leave it to the lawyer to get him to meet his fiscal responsibilities. It feels healthier for my mental state.  Anyone who deftly steps past the boundaries into mental, verbal, and then ultimately, physical abuse is not allowed to loiter in my world. Not anymore. I don't want that "look" of pity or "eyes averted' stance as I walk down the street; so now I try to project an appearance of "I am fabulous".  I know everyone has their own (pardon the expression) $hit, and most cannot deal with hearing mine.  So I also know it is not completely personal. But it still feels lonely.

Plus I can not ignore my blessings: including the job I have now. It pays well, and I love it.  It is the job that was always in my original game plan even when he was home; having been earmarked for "when the children are older".  The time for that is now, even as I had nor foreseen everything else. 

My friends are a support system within what I and they can manage.  They have thrown more lifelines than I can count.  I am blessed for that.

*****

I know what my boundaries are now.  I know that I can manage quite a bit, and still be okay.  I know that the extent of what I cannot manage will not mean life will go "down"; rather it means that it just needs to be put aside for now.

Does acknowledging all this make the fear lessen in any way? Yes, strangely, it does.  Not a single thing has changed since writing the first phrase above, "why am I afraid?". 

I still am.  But placed within a context of known boundaries seems to make it more palatable. What should my game plan fill in now? I don't know.  I don't know.  I want to leave this entry on an upbeat note,  i want to report all is truly fabulous, and I am over feeling the pity party (I am, I am).