The kind that is often featured at the beginning of an episode: divorced(ing), 50-something w two kids, high credit card debt struggling to make ends meet. What should she do?
Answer: Stress out!
My triggers have always been financial related; lessons from my childhood to always appreciate the value of money above all else. And while I have taken great pains to try to do this, the vise tightens.
The newest twist is in the refusal of assisting any more in the medical bills for the kids. Ironically, last night he took the kids out again, to one of their favorite restaurants, stopping afterwards to CVS to buy them necessary (to the kids) trinkets...likely spending easily, $100? In the meantime, he "neglects" to pay for the outstanding $200 bill to our daughter's allergist, so I can bring her in for a f/u in the next month.
I know, all I hear also is blah, blah, blah. Yet the point remains that this morning I am digging through my change purse to find lunch money for my son- not having anything to give him at home. Waiting, you see for my paycheck (hopefully at 9am), when I am hoping my direct deposit goes through.
Also ironically, somehow, is the fact that on paper I should not be struggling. Between the basic child support he does pay, and the blessed income I make from the job I love- it comes to a decent salary (barely) that I command. Furthermore, the house I now own, required a mortgage that was reasonable- and was pulled when times were great (2.5% interest fixed, you can not beat). My credit card debt, is another matter- I owe a sum to the tune of $18k, mostly residuals from our marriage and now, frighteningly and slowly, creeping up for that time just before my paycheck comes and I can not afford gas, food. My kids no longer do activities, my son's hair looks like Scooby Do's friend, Shaggy. I am paying the bills, but never quite meeting them fully by about $1k a month because he refuses to pay for the childcare, tutoring as noted on the stip. and now medical?! The legal fee I have now carries a balance, and my lawyer is expensive. After $27k in legal fees spent so far, I just can not justify going into my savings any more. My Volvo is leaking oil (and has 89k miles on it), my toilets need a professional plumber. I had thought at the legal table for our stipulation signing, "I can do this, maybe we would be okay".. But now I am not so sure.
And my pride makes me insist on taking my kids out to dinner with my sister, get my only nephew a nice bday gift..provide a bday my daughter that she wants; modest in her wishes.
I wake up now, not so much to lament my loss of him, but to feel the increase in my blood pressure- pounding my heart into anxiety. I don't know where to go with this, and I am afraid. I am pulling in all my financial personal investment knowledge; I am looking through help wanted ads for a potential part time weekend position to help supplement- but I am so physically tired, I don't know if I can pull it off. There is a bleeding of my time to experience down time, for even then it is filled with my job, and the, my stress and sadness. Joy, what is that again?
He clearly feels wronged, and in his warped intellect- feels I am this controlling manipulative bitch who is controlling the children; keeping them from him, their father. He has left at least a dozen messages for the kids on voicemail telling them to call him back "if they are allowed"-- these are on the days he does not have them... I have set boundaries from this man who rolled his eyes at me when I said his neck grabbing, poking, pinning down behavior with drunken fits and denigrating actions towards me were ABUSIVE. Whatever. He is no longer allowed to do this, nor call my house however late he wants-- and it infuriates him, surely to be "required" to call his kids' cell phone instead, because its late and we (kids and I) are upstairs getting ready for bed. Call earlier then, duh!
I am tired. Mentally, physically at times. I feel I will do this, make it work, steely will to be sure my chicks and I are safe and sound in our nest. And if I have to eat pasta leftovers from his nights out with the kids (that they bring home from the restaurants), or quinoa and black beans for three days/nights in a row (protein protein).. Then I will. But I worry for my kids. I worry for me.
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