Transient

 Sometimes, life doesn't feel so clear cut or simple. Sometimes, it also feels like I have a big "L" stamped on my forehead.  I am left behind tonight, I am sad.  What brings me here, this matted place in the grass?  I have been here so often that the place is thick with dried dead leaves, drool, and tears. I could not resist looking at him tonight. My ex-lover, life partner (?).  He was wearing a pastel colored shirt and tight black jeans (paunch riding over the beltline).  He is apparently reinventing himself (because he would never agree to wear those colorful things with me).

Sadness clings to me because my girl told me the only plan she had for this weekend was to finish a popsicle stick arts and crafts project that is to be for "dad's girlfriend's son".  What hurts more, that its for his girlfriend's progeny, or because its for HER son and not a special craft geared just for my baby? I don't know, except to say, there is a dull ache squirming in my chest.

When did his view that our own lives stopped being enough, "special in its own right"? Or that he now felt he could "do better" than to be with someone he now detests? And when did that person become me?

I am divorced. And I am pursuing through legal channels the financial recompense that I am owed by him, because I have no choice.  He will be angry, he will be denigrating, he will thinking: how can I be so mean.

And my heart breaks.  He will never know, nor would he care if he did.  He will never be kind to me again.  He will never think that I am a good person again.  He thinks I am a liar, a horror, a master manipulator.  And the fact that I am alone or that I have trouble paying our bills no longer concerns him, even if it means our children will suffer for it too.

But you know, I am not any of those meanly said things.  And I don't deserve to be near someone so mean.  

And again, tonight, I made direct eye contact through a wall of glass, the bay window in what once was our kitchen.  My heart sank, my stomach felt sick.  A melonballer hollowed out a spherical hole in my heart. Not wanting to feel it, not wanting to look.  

Where will this lead?