My day

How I handle stress

(Two years, three months, ten days since he left.)

1. Wake up at 6:20am from really grueling dream about being on vacation w kids in Germany and finding him and his girlfriend and "the" family at same hotel.  Having to walk behind him and gf on staircase (trapped!) and hear them talk about letting kids (d&s and her son sleep n bed with her, even after he has gone to work)..in dream, his family is non-acknowledging, eyes casting aside.

2. Awake, anxiety ramping up about work, going in late because of kid's early dismissal from school and no sitter; and having to bring kid in. Worried about getting "in trouble" at work, though I am pretty sure its okay (have done son past, talked to boss about it on previous occasions)..still, feels unprofessional.

3. Toilet still broken. Plumber? Money??

4. Money very low.

5. Kids going with him this weekend.

6. Feeling hugely insecure and anxious.

Its only 8:15am.

****

Get kids off to school.

Make lunch/dinner for me (healthy quinoa and roasted brussel sprout)

Facebook: see sweet and romantic posting of husband tribute to wife for her bday. :( feeling sad

Go to pay a dr bill that is in my name but not my responsibility, according to our legal agreement.

*****

Cleaning and working from home.

Low level anxiety with ramping up with random thoughts. Feel tired and feeling like it is hard to breathe.

9:31am

******

Coming up for breath, after immersing self in work for hour and half.

Productive, plus paid dr bill (check!)

Still waiting for kid to come home. Back to work. Living in moment.

11:04 am

******

Full and productive day at work, with daughter in tow. Happy, proud, busy.

All thoughts gone momentarily, of my inadequacy, and how some might think I "suck".  I work within my zone, helping thinking producing.  My girl beside me, its happy, its good.  I bring her to a place that I get to show her off, and she 

responds, by being a little proud. 

We finish the day off bringing bags of fast food for all three of us to feast on; burgers and fries, chocolate shakes.  I study Spanish flashcards with my boy, and we are all laughing.

I unclog two toilets making a mental promise to call the plumber tomorrow.

Tired. 

9:08pm

*****

1:01am

I awaken again to find my sweet girl has crawled into my bed once again  And she lays with quiet, steady, breaths, wush wush, my own self becomes sternly awake.  My body aches, my shoulders, my back. I guzzle the cold water on my nightstand, greedily.

I feel alone again.  The grown up in my lovely house, with my lovely children.