He doesn't acknowledge my texts anymore, including those which concern the kids. He has his woman there all the time, with the kids and I am sure without. Delighting in the fact, if his comments before he left were any indication, that he no longer HAS to do anything I care or cared about. That he is no longer in my "control". Was I that bad, as I tried to navigate our lives through the obstacles we had to go hrough together when he refused to help; largely I know now due to his inability to (ADHD is a bitch). Did I make this up, I wonder, as he would like me to believe. As I am sure his new wife to be would suggest, "no honey, its not you".
The days when he would ignore me or my attempts to start conversations. "Say something important", he would say. Something about what he had to do for the day, for us, for the kids. Otherwise leave him alone, to wash the car for six hours or putter outside, or sleep on the couch, or fall into the cell phone he now carried with him as a though it were an infant cradled to his chest. Never agreeing to help me with the groceries unless I gave him that list I was too tired to make, or help pay bills or go over the finances together like a couple should. I'm a bitch, plain and simple. Our cleaning lady was inefficient, according to him, and I was lazy.
Later, as he tuned in thanks to the meds, he looked at me accusingly. How could you do this with the finances (though I did nothing wrong)- where were you all these years when I begged you to sit down with me so you could be part of the decision-making process? You act as if I was stealing from you, though I have no clue why. Did you not see how your retirement fund was 2.5 times bigger than mine, foolishly for me thinking it'd be okay because we would use it all together when the time came; what did it matter where they were sequestered?
I know now, that I never let myself unwind enough because I felt the weight of responsibility on my shoulders with the finances, the house, the kids needs. He liked to drink in bars and get drunk, be the fun guy with his bar friends, like when I met him. That should have been a clue- I don't like hanging out in bars on a regular basis; it feels/felt juvenile when there were so many more interesting things to do, including hanging out with our kids..making sweet memories. And I insisted at the time he not do what he wanted, but do what our family needed. I did not see the resentment that fostered. He worked longer and longer hours, staying away, tuning out, engrossing himself at work.
We would go out on dates, which was fine except... There would be a lack of things to talk about, beyond the kids. Other things that involved my attention: bills, needs of the kids, needs of us..were considered too stressful for him to hear and I felt put off, wanting help in those decisions. He, in turn, would tell me about his work ,his ongoing jobs, and I would listen. But it would get confusing and I started to mix them all up. By that point too, I was working a part-time job or jobs, my plate was full, or so I thought.
These days, my plate is overflowing, except when its not, lol. When the kids are with him, the house is stone quiet. The loneliness becomes resounding. I miss them. I miss my family. My parents are dead, my sister is involved in her own life, I have no one else. Sadly, I can say friends help but its not the same.
I start to troll on Match. Com, not moving forward, not acting but only looking. What lies in moving into that step, I wonder, gripping me in stagnancy. What lies,still unforeseen and lurking in the inner recesses of my brain- its a scary thought. Maybe I am as FUCKeD up as my husband said. Or controlling. Maybe there is something inherently wrong with me like he said, or like my dad had said. For full disclosure, let me say I felt my mom who I loved and miss everyday, always ignored me. I sought after her approval everyday she was here, but tried to make it not so obvious when the cancer took her strength. I loved her so much. The "gift" of not knowing my self worth lingers and even persists when I see my sister, who could get in the habit of deep sighs or subtle reprimands. I understand, ways to express concern, and she needs to be self involved in her life. She can't deal with the stress or sensitivities of mine, or something might give. Or maybe its because our relationship is not what it ever will be and thats okay.
In any case, I work to figure out what makes the difference. Whats that tipping point that makes me "different" and do I truly believe that? No, not on my good days. I feel no desire to bring any low self esteem neurosis wherever I go. Like Marley's heavy chains, those demons clank too loud for me now, they are too heavy to carry. And I want more. I want FUN and REAL JOY! No guilt!
To not have to continually explain to anyone, including myself, why I feel as I do. I am what I am. Isn't that what GOD said in the Bible?
NoI have not developed a God-complex; I still acknowledge my weakness, warts (I just need to keep that balanced with noting my self worth). They are still there, though the nature of them seems to be changing. I just want to note, that the big guy upstairs seems to have known what he was talking about. We are who we are. And that must be enough.
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