Checking my own status

Okay.  So while I will openly admit that I am not where I want to be,  good things have happened over these last3-4 years (since this HELL started).  

I am still not officially divorced, and after 24 year marriage with two kids to a guy who became a total narcissist, maybe thats not surprising.  Yes, I still miss my husband..ALOT. And I am giving myself special dispensation to feel that way, because that is what you get when you truly spent many authentic years in a loving relationship, regardless of what his memory might reflect now (sadly).

But during this time, I (and my kids) have been given the time to learn to let go, set up boundaries, and come to terms with the idea that the man that I had placed my full and utter trust in, was..no longer there at all.

And even more, in his place is that one person alive in this world who thinks extraordinarily bad things about me.  And I have been learning to reconcile myself to that though its still a struggle. I needed this time.

But there really is more good stuff:

I have, in this time, been able to develop my professional career since this stuff started (after being a total SAHM for  11 years) to a point that I now have a job I love, with great hours, respect (which was awesome for the low self esteem I came in with) benefits, and a decent salary.

With that salary and state mandated child support, I was able to qualify for a mortgage (2.5% interest, thank you!) to refinance our house. So now its all mine, and my kids and I  have that security and consistency.  Thankfully as CFO all these years, I made a point to try to get back our equity on the house as early as possible, so the debt I have now, I think, will be doable.  And though there are expenses in upkeep and new skills to learn (fast!), we are learning to make do.  And its good.

I am also thankful that I am and have been over the last 15 years, learning anything I could on financial management.  I am a freak about financial security (thanks mom and dad).  Today, I am scrupulously looking over my financial situation, and my debt constantly.

And weirdly, I am thinking it will be okay.  For me, life has not been a switch on and off, but a series of life lessons.  

Best of all, I have been going through a spiritual rebirth of sorts.  I joined a church I love, though I was not raised in any specific denomination and had been going to a different church for years for the kids (as per his wishes, and I was okay with that)..this one feels more my speed. And it makes me happy. 

I have developed tools to help me with stress (which I am grateful for because with or without him, there was always STRESS).  Meditation is awesome. Exercise, diet, playing(!).  Dressing nicely with makeup, the whole thing because it makes ME feel good...and not doing it for anyone else.  Being kind to myself as best I can, and when I can't, I go to my friends or here (or pop in my Pema Chodron audiotape on "becoming fearless".

I am not dating. Yet. Whoo boy, that will be a big one. Ill come back to that one...because I am still shy!  Its lonely to be alone, but significantly better than to be with someone abusive, physically, verbally, emotionally.  Oddly, I know the emotional abuse was the worst out of the three, and it has taken this long to really start to let myself heal from this ultimate betrayal.  Who knows whats under my brain when it comes to relationships (?), yet I feel I have learned much on what to accept and not accept, at least minimally, in a love relationship.

So, things ARE better.  Life truly is this path that I am learning to travel solo.  The women here, MANY, have shown me that they could succeed too, through their individual story lines.  They have given me strength at my darkest hours and I will be forever grateful.  And while we are often a "culled" population of sad women going through tough times..we are also a group of amazing and resourceful women!  Just keep reading....

:)