My life now?

Why do I feel so vulnerable?  I am getting two beautiful trees cut down in front of my house, on either side of my driveway because they are diseased and pose a threat to safety to the structure they stand next to- my house.  But I feel like I am losing something important, almost like children. Is that silly?  But my heart feels so sad, and I keep edging closer to where I keep my Xanax, though I don't like to use it (and don't, very often).  

But today, its making me feel sad and alone.  I know it would have made me sad in any case; I love trees and think its a crime to have to cut down such beautiful ones.  But I know in the past, he would have been handling this completely, while I fretted.  He would be yukking it up with the foreman, using the leftover wood for free firewood.  But I just can't manage that thought. I would have to cut it into smaller pieces, for example, and I can't deal with that.  And that thought makes me feel even sadder, and alone.  Vulnerable.

I was not expecting to feel this way.  It has caught me off guard, and that is brutal.  I am strong, aren't I? Or am I?  I see the cut down pieces of beautiful wood, and my heart twangs because it feels a little like I relate too closely to those fractured pieces.  Again, how did this happen? It's unreal, this is my life. Money worries, health worries, every little thing has the potential of crescendoing into an over-reaction, if I let it.  Because if I screw up, I am on my own. No help or comfort from anyone who really cares, who is my family.  No one, except my kids, who are still little.  And that makes me feel worse, not better.

But look, the sun is streaming in stronger now into my kitchen.  It is "sun-kissed" and bright.  My kids are getting picked up for the weekend and I am meeting some friends for a drink.  I have plenty of work to do, I must do.  But that damnable loneliness, the "how I'm now different from everyone else..I have to force it away, gulp it down, try to face the fear and look at it. Tangible, manageable.  I have to.