I have a very good friend to call when I am in the midst of inner turmoil. It could be over many things, but for tonight it is because I am going on my first date in 30 years. A date with a man I originally discounted because he is still too early in the divorce game. Hell. He is not even legally separated yet and lives under the same roof as his wife and two kids, whom he refers to as his ex.
But after two weeks of talking to him via emails and texts, I am really attracted to him and want to know more about him. Early on I made it clear I could not have a romantic relationship with a married man, yet here I am planning to meet him. My friends are both happy yet worried for me- they tell me to go but to stay grounded.
Its an important idea, for as soon as my date plans were firmed up, I panicked. All the doubts rose up about my desirability towards men, my self recriminations about my self worth and, to be honest, my concerns about his current relationship status. I know firmly, I will not have sex with this man. Nor will I consider it until he was out from the marital arrangement both legally and physically.
My worry that I will like him, however, haunts me and is underscored by the greater fear of his rejection. Until my friend Kim reminds me.
Stay in the moment. Do not worry about yesterday or tomorrow. Think about the now. Then she reminds me that I have God who lives me, and my girlfriends and I don't truly need anyone else. Be present. Stay in the moment. I am enough.
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