Summer

For so many years I questioned myself as a woman; my validity and self esteem values held low and unworthy.  The original seed of this fruit was planted when I was young, fostered by the combination of an overly sensitive and shy temperament, with loving yet somewhat aloof parents.  No blame of events nor disdain at this point, for I realize these things have made me who I am.  And this personal identity which I now carry with me, is good.

In a marriage that was one sided for so many years, I continued my self blame...thinking I was asexual, and alone.   Who would want me, this fat and gross thing?  I covered it up as best I could lest anyone find out that "truth".   Super-overachiever with a handle on everything and anything, I controlled and commandeered what I could.  A husband who was willing to let me because it was easier and so he did not have to- fostered by his own feelings of low self esteem and distraction.  He too, lived in a place of hiding- from me, himself, and the world lest he be "found" out.  His ability to intimidate any challengers, chest bumping lines made him the offensive linebacker in our marriage.  I was the quarterback, doing the deeds and the needs.

It worked, but this dynamic was fostered on shaky cement.  We were not in a place to foster and encourage (to make it to the end goal anyway) the needs for a truly balanced relationship.  And this gave way to the foundation of our house, our family.

Today, I forgive myself my foibles and that, in itself, is hugely liberating.  I wish, I pray, I feel.  I dream.  And i take care of myself, with tentative steps to try on shoes of better self-image.  I try on the feeling of feeling pretty, without laughing or internally sneering at myself.  Whoopi Goldberg in the Color Purple, with her hand over her mouth to hide her smile- to hide her vulnerability- no more!  And this makes me feel released from having to do everything, BE everything.  The people or person outside myself are/is no longer there to encourage that conflicted tiger persona...and that is bliss.  I can be myself, without blame (inside my house anyway).

Where this will lead I do not know.  It still feels tentative, although by now my steps are so much more assured.  I will continue to grow and challenge positively myself and my self image.  To even try to tackle myself in toto, as a beautiful (and even sexual?? Gasp) woman or, just: as a good and valid human being.  To let this grow into my authentic and fully real skin. Excitement.