The summer after divorce

What I learned the summer after my divorce

To think that I could get to the point where I no longer feel decimated by devastating loss, sadness, and imploding low self esteem and instead to a place of lone strength seems like fiction; yet here it is.  After five years when that line was crossed into the area of "never-should-do", followed by heartbreaking loss , I can actually say I am okay. And when I am NOT okay, I can still say, I am okay.

Now when there is crazy making behavior on his side, I can laugh or just shrug it off.  Crazy left my house in the body of me ex, and now though it may be filled with occasional sadness and frequent loneliness (I can not lie, not to myself), a weird transition has also been happening.  I feel stronger.

My one "real" experience in emotional connection, since then,with another man ended in a miserable fail, and yet I survived.  I think about him, this man, because though the experience was largely via text and email, it was incredibly exciting.  It was HOT. The experience itself made it incredibly clear to me that there are men with whom a "click" was possible, where the mental could be much much hotter in psychological foreplay than I ever knew possible.  Even more surprising, was the intensity of attraction that I could feel including a libido that I thought long dead.

Unfortunately, the actual meeting was an epic fail and to this day I still wonder what happened.  I had sent him "selfie" pictures, earnest and real.  I had spoken with him for weeks, in fact the night prior we had texted for three hours.  Yet even during my train ride into the city, I could hear his angst (via text) rising, a negativity that seemed to blossom now that he knew we would be meeting in flesh.  And then when the actual face-to-face moment happened, it was every horrible blind date gone awry.  He had wandered into a cheesy bar because he could not meet me at my train (Hint #1 that he would not be placing me high on the list of willing to suck up any "discomfort" for me).  Then he refused to go to any "nice" place anywhere in the city, clearly wishing to go somewhere close to "get it over with".  The outfit I had chosen to wear was an epic fail, or particularly my sexy platform heels were- inarguably the worst shoes to jaunt about Manhattan (trying to keep up with a tall and depressed man).  In truth, it would have been a laughable event, if it had not hurt so much.  Quintessential Woody Allen in action, I still liked him and he clearly did not like or want me.  I had really, unexpectedly, become infatuated with this smart, funny, and sensitive man who was, to my mind, incredibly good looking.  The gigantic caveat, of course, he was a man that early on I knew I could not have immediately if for no other reason that  he was still married,  not even legally separated, and living under the same roof as his (ex-to-be) partner.  Previously so kind and attentive in electronic form, this flesh and blood man was neurotic, rude, and desperately unhappy.  At the end of our date, he made it clear we would be "buddies" and that I "deserved so much more" ---> the translation clearly noting that he was so unattracted to the "real" me and that I was an epic disappointment in my own right to him.  Damn, I was still (and am) attracted to him because this was not the H that I knew, something clearly affecting him, his psyche.

The thing was, I knew that my lessons from the recent past were also testing me.  I could hear the bile rising on my throat at one point, as I relived the sneer of my ex telling me internally, "See? You suck, you fat C*nt" (ironically later as the ex was getting ready to leave for good, his memory protected him well since he insisted in NEVER USING THAT word).   Yet at this moment, my boundaries raised up- "Shields up Scotty".  I will not play the "pick me" dance anymore, not for anyone except perhaps myself.  Those words from The Help come to mind; "you is good, you is smart, you is kind".  I grab hold onto the thought as a life preserver.

Since then, my interactions online with other men have been pale by comparison.  I have not felt that audible click again, and my new "awakening" has brought me to a place of some guarding.  I do not wish to find someone who will let me know they think I am gross again (though, in retrospect, there was more to it than that with H, I think- or is that just wishful?).  And at the same equal footing, I will not pursue a man, any man, with whom I felt that same attraction with H, when I am into him but he is not with me.  I will not play the pick me dance, I AM worth more than that.  My last text to him was earnest in thanking him- I meant what I said and offered him my real friendship; for whether he was or not- I felt and still do, an odd caring and tremendously strong attraction towards him.  But I am a big girl, and, to be equally respectful to myself as well as him, it would have to be his next move.  I do not think nor expect this to happen.  As he noted, he was so sad all the time because of where he was currently standing on his life's corner.  And I hope he soon turns his corner, for his sake soon, as it has already done for me. To be able to breathe again out of that Hell is like no longer gasping for air in a zero tolerance room.

But, as for me, I am now like a live wire on flame-- having the faucet turned on after having been shut for so many years..I am burning hot, hot, hot.  I use this excess energy to run, to focus on work, to do what I need to do. But I am hot!  Uncompromising, but hot! Spiritually growing, internally affirming, emotionally healing....but!  And intrinsically, because my good girl tendencies run strong, my inner conflict continually bite me in the ass, because unlike the flirty flirt girl that I met only just yesterday- I can not grab any man and "go for it" (though I might want to, my drive is hurting that badly!)..  I am waiting (and God help the man with whom the click happens, and the stars align in earnest, for my libido may end up killing that man...).