Winter

Wed 1/15/14
It is another morning of awakening, and I lie here adjusting to the darkness.  My self comes into focus; and, smooths out the wrinkles formed in the night. I take mental stock to make sure I am still all there: the strong and professional persona ready for the workday; the mom who needs to kickstart the kids to school. The woman who hopes for some time to rest and enjoy the day.  Still feeling that thin yet durable mask of loneliness  that asserts itself still every morning.

I miss him, my husband.  But know he is gone. Long gone. Replaced by angry and vindictive man, I re-experience that wonder every morning.  How could this man hate me so, and where is my love? When did he die?

Thirty minutes into my day, I re-focus again.  Okay. All present and time to move forward.  I smile because to smile sometimes turns the tide on my melancholy, and the feeling that I am alone.  (I miss my mom.) SMILE.

And ONWARD.

Sun 1/20
Still plagued by dreams of him, its relentless. I wake up exhausted.  I have  not spoken/ received any texts or emails from him in a while. He did not call kids yesterday.

But in my sleep, its a continuation of him, we are together and he is angry. We are living together and not together. Its hurtful. I never meet his approval, and though I care less about that in my awake state, I am constantly feeling exposed to his toxicity.


In real life, it is still there. He calls kids and I tense up.  He does not call, and I tense up, wondering why.

I feel so lonely still, even as I am busy, busy, and with many good things. Can this loneliness and exhaustion please go away?

I guess I feel stuck (why I went back to therapy).

In a nutshell, he told me that I suck. His final, last hurtful comment (on top of the many) meant to tell me why he was leaving, moving on- rejoicing in his leaving my apparent toxic control.  While he stated that I thought HE was damaged goods, he was telling me that it was I, in fact, who was damaged.

And I am afraid he is right.  My dad told me similar things, even as an adult. My mom ignored me.  I am a nuisance to my sister. Do I "suck"?

He told me that I may seem nice, but underneath I am just me.

I suck. Those words burn in my head, and that keeps me stuck.  What if he is right? What if I find someone else to love, and "trick" them to love me. And then they find out that truth too. I suck.

This is the hurtful mental tape that keeps running through my head.  I know it should not.  But his saying these things to me, over and over, seemed to make it real, somehow.

And what is really confusing is:  why is there such a big part of me that misses him? He was my 
reality maker for so long.  My validation in who I was, and when things were good, that was a very good thing. But now that empowerment I had given him, that trust so deeply ingrained, has become twisted; perverted. 

So my thought process now brings me to this:  it makes sense how I have been feeling, because the dynamic of trusting your husband, friend to watch your back for so long MUST change when he no longer feels that way.  It is not something that is a "given", this continuity of trust.  It was okay to trust in the before.  it is not okay to let someone to have that negative power over you.  Not dad. Not Ex.
 Not family. And I did not know that before.

Now I do.

Please God, give me the strength to act alone, to trust myself alone with no other validation.  It feels 
raw, frightening, desperately lonely at times.

To believe in my heart, and to replace his voice with my own:

I DO NOT SUCK. I make a mental note to tell myself this everyday, even if I feel silly doing so.

The other piece that I have wonder is, does he have any idea how much I loved him? Trusted and gave all my heart to? Will he ever know the feelings about his apparent the constant betrayal of that trust, early: by his lack of follow through in he would say he was going to do (when we did not know about the ADD); and later, by his not coming home, by his words and abuse, by his complete disdain and utter stomping on my self esteem ("you are sucking my oxygen, get away from me").

I loved you and you did this to me- the person you loved and committed a lifetime of promise to.  That pain will never go away, the fact that you did this to another human being.  Let that be your 
conscience and that of your new loved ones.

Promise to myself:
But being that "human", I choose to become better, healed. No more a victim but to reach a place that is so much BETTER than I was in with you. So much happier, so much more prosperous (ironically, since owning nice things became so much more important than being with your family- me included, buddy). Our kids will be so happy and we are the family that is tight and close- and you are not one of us because you don't deserve to be.  YOU LEFT.


The dreams will stop.  My self doubts about my value as a human being will ebb away; if for no other reason because as a single parent I want my voice to my kids to be from a healthy, self loving human being. And to pass that gift onto your son and your daughter, to be the same.


I do not suck. I do not suck. I do not suck.


J*****