2014

Tonight is a new night. This day was a new day.  I do not live in the reality of having been devastated any more, from this point on I am responsible for my destiny, and my destiny alone.  

I continue to live by the moral standards that I feel set by my upbringing and by myself; who I am, and who I wish to become.  I will have no regrets.

My biggest challenges still lie in the monumental task of forgiving myself my indiscretions, and forgiving myself for putting up boundaries that are meant to protect me, and my self esteem from someone who served to wipe it away.  From this point on, those boundaries exist as it should; but without any guilt on my part.  People, strangers and non-strangers alike are goven the opportunity to enter my world, but if proven to be harmful or life sucking, will be kindly and politely asked to leave. Self preservation is a worthy goal, despite others who might cast it in a disparaging light.  I know this is a good thing, a healthy thing. 

I grew up with the message of looking inward for self blame; a message fortified by my basic propensities to whip myself "into shape".  But this will change.  I have become more compassionate towards others as a result, but have held back always from being compassionate towards myself.  And that is a drag, and up til now, has not worked towards improving my chances of achieving true happiness (nor helped those around me to either, for that matter). 

I aim to laugh more, let go more, worry less about what others think of me while I continue my path to do for others and for myself.  It feels good to be altruistic, its a delight.  But not at the cost of my swlf esteem.  Again, to reiterate: never again.

Who am I, I have asked over and over again, since he left; since my dad died; mom too.  I feel the answer is close.  In fact it has been staring at me every morning that I wake up.  It is a good thing.

As my anxieties continue to vex me on a daily basis, I try to remember my mantras.  I will feel better in a little while, like a surfer coasting the waves of despair.  I know I will land on the beach, anchoring myself  and gaining my perspective again.  Life is a series of waves, but what goes down almost always comes back up again.  I am becoming expert in riding the tide! No more pain, like before.  I will forgive myself for my sadness, and work to cradle my being with kindness. With self-love.  And in doing so, I can enrich my life and those I love all the better. Mindful of the moments. Having fun, enjoying life! Things to aspire to, all without shame.

I will work hard toward these goals.  I will look towards life and its blessings!  I will lighten up, let go, do what feels good for me in a healthy way.  I won't stray off that path, unless I want to take a detour.

I will promise myself to live as authentically as I can, and to bring forgiveness and ease when I can't.

I am brilliant at many things.  It is an awesome life.