Its 5 am

Devastating and crushing loneliness: i wake up with it often. Bill murray in Lost in Translation kind of aloneness, my dreams are strange and fraught w images.  Lonely, scary, sexual sometimes.  Friends from the past are there, so are my parents. Its life sucking, and happens at the white zone time in the early predawn hours.  I hug my pillow and dig down deep under the covers, riding the wave; knowing I will feel better later in the day.  

My kids leave again for his house.  They don't love it, its been several weekends in a row because of the holidays.  But they are tiding it out too.

What will happen, how many more days of this? Weeks, years? The days are often good, sweet, fun.  But I am alone, and feel the void that comes only when you are in isolation- the great white infirmary of life, or the deep dark dank dungeon; depending on my mood. I slip into that hole sometimes, seamlessly.  And then climb out again, so tired.

But I don't want the void ever to be filled again with sadness, abuse, neglect.  Its a fate worse than the one I presently live in, where my choice exists. Where my children and I can live in an authentic place, no worries of what HE will think in his angry place or not.  How the Hell did that happen? He used to be so kind, funny. No more, and he is dead to me, as I to him.  A faceless email requesting something, tangible but not emotional, by my choice.

I think about the possibilities of a new partner. One I do not wish to fill simply to fill this void.  One that will keep myself and my kids in a protected and never frightening place, or get out!!

I see my friends, happy with their partners, in love even after so many years. And I know I deserve this too. I want it, but am still growing into that thought. Still living in an unbidden fear that rose from experience, and needs to be gently laid to rest.