The days of my need to write, scribbling furiously with all my strength, stress, fear...seems to be spreading farther and farther apart. And thats a good thing. Is it desensitization of the shock of what I can now acknowledge and accept has come to pass: the ultimate decimation of my 24, yes TWENTY-FOUR year marriage. Though, truth be told, at the 20 year mark, he told me our anniversaries meant nothing to him, even as we still celebrated up until our 22nd. It meant something to me. Still does, truth be told. And as the death knoll in concert with the ticking clock in the judge's chambers somewhere in the town of M**** chimes on, I am acutely aware that, yes, we are still married. No spirit, no relationship. No marital love anymore. But the commitment still exists and to me, that means something. And perhaps to God, and my kids as well.
Yet, its okay, strangely, that our lives have moved on... He is planning his next marriage, his next home, his next life. His Hell (and Heaven) he brings with him..and he is welcome to it. And I guess, I am readying to move on too. Though I am trying to respect the laws and closure process that I know is necessary for healthy healing, I am ready now for it to be completely over. A day I never thought would happen. And yet, the caveat is that I know, at the very least that the tenuous and thready ties that formed over the years are still there. The ties and history of seeing his siblings marry and have kids. My parents, and his, grow older. My parents, uncle, cousin all passing to heaven way too soon. My love for "mom and dad", my in-laws. My love for the many nieces and nephews, and their kids- all on his side. It was history in the making, and that can not be erased. It is not meant to be. As my therapist once told me, its even okay to still love him- just do it from afar. Indeed.
Omar Khayyam wrote, "the moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on. And not all the words shall cancel half a line, nor all the tears wash out a single word of it." And that is okay, I think. I even can smile now at the fear and the craziness that may still be roiled up..while setting up as much of my protective boundaries against those who would hurt me. Against him. And that too is good. It is a lesson that was a long time in the making, and at last, I think it is sinking in. I must nurture myself in the forefront, even as I continue to nurture my babies (soon to be not).
I have my own separate life in the making. My kids, with my special relationship with them. My job, fluorishing and validating. My friends, who feel like family...or at least an authentic support net. My sister, with whom I am closer than I was before.
And me. My relationship with myself that I did not know I was missing. I'm having fun lately, doing stuff I have never done or at least in a long time done. Playing dress up. Buying expensive underwear so that I can look hot and sexy. FOR ME. To not have to ask forgiveness for not meeting the standards of people I felt the need to get approval from (and never really getting).
Complete and unconditional reconciliation with myself. It is tentative, almost prissy, little baby steps that I take forward...but with each movement, it feels so good. So right.
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