I jump up at 6:06 am on the button, anxious as a cat landing on both feet at a run. I don't know why except its the in between babysitter coverage time and I am trying to set up my new sitter and hoping no sitter for a couple of days will be okay. He hasnt paid for childcare in two months, one more month to go at this rate..and I'm not sure what to do. Kids needed new backpacks, clothes. My house needs attention fast.
I no longer can laugh off not having a workable stove, I need one really fast. My trees need to come down and I cant afford to put up the rest of the replacement trees that the Town tells me I have to. Meanwhile, my neighbor's husband just leased her a new car; my friends just came back from a "fabulous cruise"... Wah wah wah.
I don't know who that bully is anymore. The one who had a week to spend with the kids during which the weather was gorgeous- and kept them in his apartment for the bulk of it. He is still angry and crazy-making; passive aggressive in refusing to answer the simplest questions or agreeing to the simplest requests, while demanding those things which are his "rights as a father", without regard to the wishes of his kids. Trying to steer towards some sense of normalcy, and some days, I just can't.
I wanted my time to take the kids out to celebrate my sons confirmation, and sent him that email a couple of weeks ago. No response, and if I want to invite people for that day I have to do it soon. So I send a hopefully "friendly" email "just to confirm its okay" and get this response:
"Dont automatically assume its ok with me... Its not your Sacriment"
Okay, so does the fool not realize that:
1). I have been the one taking our kids to church these last few years to his TWO times; as well as talking to them about what the services meant, what needed to be done to meet the confirmation sacrament requirements?
2) That MARRIAGE, in the Catholic Church, is a sacrament too whereas adultery is viewed as a sin?
3) That the word is spelled, "S-A-C-R-A-M-E-N-T"? If you are going to try to treat me as a spiritual outcast, at least spell it correctly.
I sent my attorney another email yesterday with double trepidation and fear; because she hasnt responded to my two other emails of whether she finally filed (apparently hadn't these past three months??) and if I am finally able to get childcare from him in the summer because he decided that I'm not entitled to it, despite what the stipulation agreement says. And because I guess, I still have fear at what this means, what he might do, what will happen to me and the kids. Its a heavy, heavy load to bear and I feel like it's crushing.
I would love to find a partner who could lift my burden, if only to be the partner that I would like to be in return. It is so much easier with two than one, even when that one was crazy apparently (was he always so crazy? I wonder that everyday now...did I miss something over the past 28 years?). Yet I wait, for a piece of paper it feels like the world is avante garde about- but it matters to me. I feel myself reverting to that immature state; I want my mama, for real, I really miss her. I want it to be easier again, and to not have someone in the world out there HATING who I am, to their very core. Its kind of scary, to know that- esecially when it is my husband (a term that is only on paper now, and perhaps in the eyes of God) of 24 years. Soon to be not. And that is good, I know. Absolutely no lamenting about that, because I am done..done finally. But I still carry that fear with me. Can anyone really get it unless they are in it?
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