Peaches

Am I okay? A strong heart, a set visage, a directed thought to move on...

Underscored by a constant low level anxiety, clutching within a deep place left of center....rising up in moments by both that which is happy... And infinitely sad.

Am I insane? I no longer know, it seems, how the puzzle pieces might fit in harmony.  Prior life defined by the rules and regs of keeping us safe, growing, forward...no longer exists but then, I know anxiety of a different kind resided within my head then too.

So perhaps I've never known what it is to feel grounded, that place I have always sought.  Its not that I want life spelled out for me, no not at all.  What a bore that would be... I like the possibility of different,,,certainly...or better...

Uncensored joy is what I seek, in my heart, in the heart of those. I love.  I have joy

I was told that:
"Change is not lacking"
"Change lets you progress forward"

But then why does it not feel that way?  The feeling of being a loser, the one who is indeed lacking is very strong today.

I don't understand why some men feel it okay to treat me in a disregarded way, when they first appear interested.  I hear HIS voice again, "yes you seem nice, but underneath you are still just you."  And the feeling of devastation, shame, and heartbreak feels renewed.  I know this is not the story of anyone else's but my own, at this moment.  Perhaps this is for me to believe and not just know, my worth seems a bit hollow, even now.

The fit is important and to seek any connection simply for the sake of having one will be detrimental to me.  I don't want that anymore.  But what I seek is not coming forward, nor do I seem to be able to find it.

I don't know what the answer is, unless the great karmic answer to my prayer is "NO".  But I know that while I await a change for the breeze that flows onto my face, into my soul that brings the replenishment of kinship, I must cradle myself in the loving kindness that is essential to my survival.  To my happiness of self fulfillment.

I must not judge myself harshly in the way that has been familiar for way too long.  And even if the actions of others succeed to make me feel badly, I must try hard, with deep resolve (!), to not allow myself bring that back to that all too familiar feeling of shame of who I am, along with the feeling of cruel self-reproach and disdain that comes slamming along with it.

Must try, try, try....