Ingrained viscera

Bear with me for a moment. I know why I am feeling the way I am, I am aware of the root of what triggered this bout of low self esteem.  I know it is momentary and I will feel better tomorrow.  But the gist of seeing my sister in law (soon not to be), someone I have liked and felt was family for many years, to be carefully but kindly cut out of her family view while being promised that my kids would be looked after at all the "family functions" is like attending my own funeral while I am still alive.

Last night, I had my niece, whom I love and whom my kids love, sleepover as we have done many times before.  My little one has been having trouble coping with the changes, especially the impending one of the clearly upcoming introduction of a new "Mrs." whom he had been spinelessly introducing to my kids since before he left home; first as many "innocent" playdates between her son and my child, and then as his girlfriend (with son still in tow).  My child found out about an impending change of marital status for her dad because he left texts from his girlfriend where she and he had gushing exchanges about their soon-to-come  wedding, while she still lived under the house of her husband.

I hear from my SIL, that the girlfriend's marital status will be supposedly changed to "divorced" in a month (which I somehow doubt, if our legal process is any indicator). And then onto the wedding!

I can not lie, it hurts. Hurts beyond belief for my own heart, and for his betrayal.  I get it, this hurt that so many of you feel too.

I hurt because my little one is feeling it too, and conflictingly, I know I would hurt if she did not.  I feel sadness because my older child has a deep under boil that has been pushed even farther under because of what his dad has done.  Betrayal.  And my child has had his first taste of real life cynicism because of the acts of someone who was supposed to be someone you could always count on.  His dad.  And his dad hurt his mom, big time.  No hiding that.

And to hear how he is "nothing but loving, almost to the point of over doing it" whenever he is with our kids in front of his family (formerly known as OUR family)... Hurts.  Oh my god, it hurts. 20 years of being family, then changed for the last 5 more to "nebulous exchange" to "nothing", hurts in a way that feels like a deep visceral wound.  Who am I?  

My parents are gone.  His family is gone.  He left saying how "everyone always leaves me in the end" and it appears true. Ironically, I am too over-educated in a way to relate to a lot of other people, the single group of people, I fear. And am I too different? And while I am working hard to live within my own skin, to learn to live and appreciate who I am, I feel exquisitely vulnerable to the process.  

"They all leave you in the end, don't they?"  If that is so, I must know that in the end, there is always me. And the love I can foister on my end, for my fellow humans, my people. And this must be something that gives joy and reconciliation. Is that right? How can I open myself to anyone else, if the deep under feeling is that I am different and will always to be left..

There is a deep under rage roiling under my surface, fighting it, this feeling, fighting to survive, fighting to be acknowledged.  I am important. You can not do this to me, make me feel this way.  I am good.  Anger, deep and hot, because I would not do this to another, that which he would willingly do this to me, after our life that we have shared.