Grandma's cup

Sunny morning and I am sitting here with a hot cup of green tea, drinking out of my grandmas's favorite tea cup.  It is thick walled, and feels good to the touch.

The presence of people still live in the things that they loved, used, identified with.  I believe this, even as I know that presence is even more strengthened if the people who knew them are still around.  Such as it is with my old partner. But his voice is starting to mellow into the background with the other voices of my past, of my home.  True, he still exists in real life, but less so for me.  A faceless voice for when he calls the kids and I happen to hear him on speakerphone, or an angry disinvolved text to me.  It is the reality that this will not be a loving co-parenting situation, if there ever truly is such a thing.  I have drawn boundaries around someone who chose to step on them, abuse is a non-negotiable past that does not change with time. At least for me, and I will try to not look back unless it is to provide a momentary glance, certainly without fear.

I need not look back because the truth is that with the events of physical abuse, my feelings were also wrapped up  in all the feelings that so many, especially those  "cast aside" (which in truth was, in my case, "cast free") must experience.  The feelings of betrayal (how could he, after a promise of life commitment, actively seek another, even as I honored and he pretended to honor this sacrament) and abandonment (my "family" left and no longer loves me). And I need not feel compelled to exercise in self-flagellation at this point, but instead to take my lessons learned and look forward.

But, I have grown..and I am still growing.  

If you are lucky, survival is the instinct that kicks in when you have been backed against the proverbial wall.  It forces you to look into the mirror and provide honest appraisal of what you see.  To BE KIND IN WHAT YOU SEE, SO YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO HEAL.  And then, if you truly, truly want to make it (to not be yet another stereotypical victim), YOU FIGHT BACK.  You do what you need to do to get the training or job you need to get to make enough money.  You find out all you can about where to place your money to make it grow, how to fix a toilet, how to ask for help though you never had to before (and to do it with a sense of humor and the willingness to give it back, if you can).

And then, as these things get into place, you look into the mirror again and ask youself:  what is it I need to be happy?  Who is it that I need to be happy?  And hopefully, the person in the mirror looks at you and says, "me".