What I know, I know from experience, from my heart, from my intellect. But is it enough? Isn't this the same for everyone who tries to make sense of their world?
In that "what the fuck" moment, my feet dangle mid-air, my breath pauses, and my heart misses a beat. Am I doing the right thing? Am I who I am?
When I try to put my ducks in a row, I notice many of them are chipped now. How can they be ordered, when life keeps forcing me to knock them apart? Is this my life, my destiny? Will this be "it"?
Yes, I am depressed today. Feeling as though I should lay low today, keeping my head down because I do not want to share this negativity nor give it any credance. I am laid up, involuntarily anyway because of this sports related injury, a hip labral tear that put the fear of "what ifs" in me.
What if it is bad, what if I need surgery, who would take care of me, my kids. I can not call the asshat, I will not. My girlfriends stepped forward in response to my sending an alert "bat signal beam" into the clouds, but even that felt wrong. I hated asking for help; it felt like the thing you would ask family to do (as you'd do for them) without that feeling of being beholden). But aside from my sister (who did help with my mri run), I have no one. She is not someone I can ask for too much from, and again, I won't.
On a completely separate front, I am a bit sad for a different reason. The sweet, sexy, young Greek man I had been seeing and talking to for a month has gone...and I wont be hearing from him again, I am sure. And I can not blame him. Let us put aside the fact that I am 18 years older than him, a fact he had set aside himself. I enjoyed his company, he made me feel desired and sexy, a feeling that had been long forgotten. And I felt the same, oh my God. But I could not ask for more, since it was his decision in the end if he wished to continue seeing a woman not just his senior, but one afflicted with that one thing that can put the fear into anyone; I have herpes. Minor risk, given all that is known now, but why should anyone put themselves into that position when they don't have to. Did not ever think it would last, we had so little in common, but I was enjoying being with his soul. Regardless of what happens there, I wish him well. My heart and thoughts sends out a series of good and happy karmic pulses to him; I liked him greatly.
My own truth, less than pretty, speaks these words in my head: A less scrupulous someone could lie, lie about my age because I easily look at least ten years younger and not the dreaded 50s (53 this year). I have leftover baggage from an abusive ex-husband who is now happily becoming a figment of my imagination (with his fiance soon to be wife). My two beautiful kids keep me sane, but take my time and that is set (for no one shall meet them until I think that person were here to stay). And I have herpes. Sheesh, just shoot this old horse down now, the negative voice in my head WANTs to say.
I can't let it, I won't. And I am, and never have been, a liar. That game of self recriminations has gone on for too long, and I am done. Yet today, I will admit it is feeling hard. The pain in my leg has literally taken me off my feet, off my game. The pain meds which help this, is hurting my ability to think, not to mention stay awake. I want to get on with things, have fun, enjoy my own person who I am trying to be. But that doesn't seem to be the karmic plan for me today or yesterday. Is this a moment to pull a mindfulness check into being present? I have not done so in a while, so perhaps that is what I should do,
What I am "meant" to do. Okay. And so it goes.
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