Let's call it progress and then see...

I am tired of trying to make things happen.  In my outward thoughts, I have developed an understanding that its good to try to plan for things that matter to you emotionally, financially, socially, etc.  But I realize now that my internal mindspeak still relies on what I want to happen without giving a damn of whether its good for me or not.

I WANT LOVE.  And not from anyone mind you, but from a person who fulfills a list of minimum criteria,.  Age apparently matters: 47 to 53.  Slender to slightly overweight.  Fit. Attractive to me.  Active. KIND.  SMART. Respectful with a caring behavior that is focused towards me.  Nonsmoker (occasional cigar events during "guy" events understandable). Unacceptable are men with an unkind sarcastic outlook, anger management issues, unsophisticated or completely uneducated men who have nothing to say that interests me.

Yet despite this shopping list of items, I can appreciate that many of those men are unattainable.  Married, gay, or completely not ready.  Or, of course, completely uninterested in me and what I have to offer.

It affects my self esteem to feel that it may never happen again, that I will find that "soulmate".  Or that I may screw up any chance I have if I meet someone who could possibly be that special guy.  Those whispers stating that I am attractive until they find out the truth.  The imposter syndrome is so, so strong.  The seedling that embodies my wants and my desires is wilting.

So my mindspeak frustrates my entire psyche. It makes me obsessive in a way that I do not want to be.  It reminds me that I can and am, often so lonely.  Yet my hours are not empty, there is so much to do, so much to accomplish in my day.  Even in these hours of brazen turmoil, I fight to hold on to some semblance of fun and joy. Alone or not.

Downtimes filled with searching online for cute possible dates has become boring.  I have been successful to a degree in meeting so many men, but the path has become blurred to what I want, particularly in relation to what they want.  I am tired of that game, but my mindspeak prods me to go check again, and then again.  It is time to stop.

Today, I am really going to try to move myself forward.  Although I know that confidence is most certainly not the same as self esteem.  I am going to tender the former, to allow my confidence and belief in myself move tentatively forward. To allow and give a break to my continually wilting self esteem.  To allow my feelings of kindness and compassion to others take their natural course and hopefully spill onto my view of myself.

Call it an experiment.  I have been recognizing how important this is to do.  But perhaps, I have not really been doing it.  I think I will try now.  Just for today.  Maybe if it feels right, I'll do it again tomorrow.  Worry less about my "value", and work hard in doing what I know I can do, with confidence.  I have done this with other areas of my life, let us see how this works when it is app,ied to love.  No more online Match dating.  No more fawning.  Trust in myself, quietly without judgement. Let's see.