Bodhisattva

I am ready for love.  There are times when I have to wonder what is under my skin, the trauma of past hurts hiding in wait like an impending cold sore lurking on the lip.  One moment of stress, and then BAMM! Out it might come, the horror and terror of my past. PTSD.

There is this guy I like, though I don't know him well. My grown up self tells me not to jump to any conclusions. Good if he will hang around, not a complete horrorshow if....

And to be clear, I am not seeking an automatic candidate for "THE ONE".  No Fatal Attraction scenarios, no "like me- like me", "pick me" dancing on the sidewalk.  A normal and enjoyable relationship with a man, open to the possibilities of more but by no means demanding it.  Yup, that's the thought.

But I am making myself a bit nuts either way and I need to calm my nerves with the "loving kindness" that I have been training to mete out to myself.  I will respect where he is on his journey, his path may not be meeting that of mine.  In turn it is my opportunity to face new turns with the willingness to let things come as they will, my feelings of self worth and growth are resting on this. Truthfully, it has been too long since I have been intimate (on any level, including emotional) with anyone.  Who am I, how do I "rate"??  But I must remember to honor myself.

I have to remember though to disallow the neurotic self-berating I am prone to self-inflict if feeling rejected.  These days that torrent of emotion seems to be the norm, and I don't know what the underlying messages of those feelings are really saying.  It is not that I am unattractive, I know (I think??!), but I often wonder if the air of negativity lingers on my person.  A less kind voice in my head calls it "the loser zone of desperation".  But, I am not desperate.  Not by a long shot.

I do not "suck", and whats more I will open my arms to whatever karma and my intuition tells me to
bring in.  If I do not choose this, I know my action plan would amount to no more than banging my head against a wall, filled with self hate, and self recriminations.  That is so last year....

Life is good.  It is a blessing.  I open myself up to the good things there are for me.  I do not question the path, I lay open my arms to the good coming my way. But most importantly, I have FAITH to LET GO because I cannot control the wave, nor should I try.

I will let go and see what the surf brings in.  I will turn up the corners of mouth, and smile in the face of my fear.

I am a boddhisattva.  A spiritual warrior embracing my fear in order to become fearless,  there being
no other way.