A day encapsulated by joy and happiness by so many people, Christian or not-- it feels uplifting and PRESENT (yes, pun intended).
I sit here, drinking my coffee and waiting for my kids to be dropped off. And I think…
Life REALLY is about hurdles, the good and the bad. Sometimes I may choose to brush off the bad as though it did not exist, to PUSH them off, turn my back on the hurt. It takes so much effort, to not acknowledge the pain, to try and not feel the fear of the unknown. It exhausts me and sucks out my energy, my soul. So much so that when anything “good” pops up, I swallow it whole without letting myself feel that as well. Swallowed in desperation instead of savoring a good moment as a delicious bite. And, I know that is not the path I should take. No "denial" ends well, generally speaking.
Yes, what has happened was personally devastating to me, but I know now that this will not be the definition of who I am. It is not the ENDNOTE for me (nor is it for you). Who I am now has become an interesting mixture of events and, just as importantly, the core of who I am as a person. I am required to focus on my needs, my desire to become healthy, my desire to make sure the kids are truly happy. To survive. And guess what: I want MORE than that too; I want to LIVE AGAIN, plug into this life that is truly there, waiting for me. My dear friends, it is WAITING FOR US.
******
I have lost 25 lbs, not from stress but from
diet. I look good because I have also been exercising, using it as a way
to release my ever-rising, constant anxieties- ironically now an inverse
relationship to how I look (high anxiety=in shape body). Work is very
good in that in the short timespan from my return to a full time job (after a
10 year hiatus as a SAHM, then two additional years working up to three part
time jobs), I have been entrusted with more responsibility reflective of a decent
salary. It is my career, the one I always planned to have and go back to
some day (and now, it is "the day"). Even better, my work hours
still let me be there for my kids more than I ever anticipated (though that
promises to change as they get concurrently older (older kids=will work more
hours). My self esteem is rising, no longer directly tamped down by an "in
residence" donnie downer. My son says I seem happier, and not as
irritable or unhappy as I used to be (to be referred to as during the
long-past, "dark days of despair", or "ddd").It’s not perfect and that is okay, it need not be. In fact, I know some days will still suck, and royally: LOL. It is OKAY: How else can I become fearless, without having the chance to face fear (Bless you, Pema Chodron). I am a spiritual warrior in the true sense, because I will fight, I will scrap and claw my determined way into being kind to myself. I WILL embrace the positive energy and savor it, embracing the negative energies and then LETTING THEM GO authentically back into the quiet chattering fabric of life.
When this first happened, I took small, frightened, tentative steps of someone who had been abused, with only the understanding of someone with a lifetime of low self esteem. It makes me human, compassionate (I think) because seeing that same pain in another person brings a feeling of passion that wants me to say to them: IT WILL BE OKAY. JUST KNOW THIS_ IT WILL BE OKAY!!! Feel the sad, face the pain, and then let it go. If you feel your life was supposed to be something else and now it is not? Do not fear this, because this journey will bring you to heights you may never have known otherwise. In fact, I promise you…it will. Life will move forward, and sooner than you think. And then, shockingly, JOY will wander in and out (as it always had before). FACE THAT TOO, and acknowledge that happiness (though you may be afraid to). IT WILL BE OKAY. LIVE YOUR LIFE AS THE PERSON WHO YOU WISH TO BE- JOYOUS, IN CONTROL OF WHO YOU ARE OR WISH TO BECOME. UNDERSTAND THAT LIFE IS STILL THERE FOR US, NO MATTER WHAT.
I ASK THAT ALL WHO READ THIS, GIVE THEMSELVES THE (NON-DENOMINATIONAL) GIFT OF BEING KIND TO THEMSELVES. If it is too foreign, then please, start with just today…
*****
Amazingly,
it is now three years out since he walked out (tears in my eyes, my heart
feeling like lead, dead). I wanted him
home, whole and healed. I wanted him to
love me as I still loved him. Abuse
aside, he had been my husband for over two decades years, my partner for almost
three. We were kids when we met, and
have grown up together- loving, squabbling, building that life as a
family. Our little ones added to our joy,
and I thought our life plan was complete.
Cracks in our relationship were there, no question, but in my mind- You
DON’T LEAVE FAMILY, you help and support them.
The unerring faith that he was my family, and I was his- til death do us
part, a joyous testament of faith, love, and commitment.
Those “thought” shards will someday dull,
though never completely leave- I know this. I will respect that.
Yet perhaps they will someday dull further and transform into some kind
of visceral seaglass. Edges worn down, made into a thing beautiful and
collectable. I truly mean it. For this process has transformed me, and let me
become who I am now becoming. Beautiful and secure in my own skin.
*******
Loving kindness to myself means that I will acknowledge that my feelings are still there, to appreciate them , to laugh and hug myself. And then to wake up and face my day. And what is really cool, is that I am NOT the precedent. It is a way of life highly recommended for all, because we all have this: the bad, the good. And that is, pretty f’ing awesome (if you pardon my French).
Its actually my 52nd birthday, this Christmas Day. Most people are shocked, saying I look like I am in my early 40s. Good genes, healthy life. Go figure.
Merry Christmas to all, and Happy birthday to me. God bless to all of you.
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