Being a divorced woman on the face of it, is a little like being the only nun in an all girls school. The metaphor acknowledges that we are all women with all the same body parts, yet I am now "different"? But why that is, I don't know. I grew up feeling this way, that much I know. I feel alone, abandoned.
My allies say that I am a role model..to my kids, to my coworkers, to my friends and peers. If they only knew the degree of angst that I live in, the extent probably known only by my ex now, who capitalized on this knowledge by trying to "make me pay" at the outset of our marriage's demise.
What is wrong with me? My Dad, and my ex would point that out at the culmination of our relationships, each in their own mean ways. What is wrong with Y-O-U, that everyone leaves you in the end? And in truth, tonight that is exactly how I feel..with the footnote saying it'd better be dead than to hurt. Those are words of hurt; belying "worlds" of hurt.
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I sip my hot green tea hoping that the chill that permeates everything in me would just go away.
And slowly it does, although the answer I hope will magically appear fails to show.
Who am I?? Is it me or destiny, or the undeniable embroidery of life that stitched together the unmovable pattern that I am to be alone always. I am not desperate, I know and am learning to guard, my feeling of self-value. I hurt, yet I do not know where to go with this. I look at men I find attractive, and I feel like I am leering at them. I soldier it on, pretending as best I can that it is not there hoping it soon won't be. Am I a loser?
I work out fiendishly now, possessed by a need to transform into the person I want to become. The underlying fear also exists (I will admit) that I also won't look good for the guy that I might want. I look for in myself the person that I want; the person I want to be. It is a perilous thing; not knowing the future. I must stay out of the moshpit while I seek to heal myself; grow strong, to be well.
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