I am fighting to maintain a positive and open outlook in my life despite the ever frequent moments of angst that crosses my mind, usually when I am alone.
When he first left, my early morning moments were disastrous, grievous. I missed him, I mourned our loss and the frightening unknown that now loomed before me. It took a great deal to allow myself the strength to oust him from our lives, having learned it was better to live alone than with crazy.
Four years later, that thought has not changed, for my reminders exist within the few direct interactions that I allow to exist between myself and the "ex". He is no longer the man I knew, but then again, I am no longer that woman he knew, I can say joyously.
But then who am I? Do we all change in like manner regardless of the road we are on? Certainly that must be true to some extent, and I find the thought comforting. I am not a freak like those hapless individuals portrayed on television. Listing, lost, searching for a home. Or am I?
"You are doing so well now." "What a role model." "You are so strong." Within these contexts offered by my friends and supporters, it may be true that I have adapted; survived for the sake of myself and the kids. Boundaries are a huge sanity tool. Yet there still looms those "truths" that I wonder are apparent to anyone else besides myself. I am ALONE. And in truth that would be okay if given other unsavory alternatives (see above under "lessons learned". )
No one, to my knowledge, ever passed overtly from loneliness. But it's there, settled between the chores for house, the children's needs, my teaching load, my work responsibilities, my bills, my worries, my sanity. Settled in, like a hummingbird in its nest..humming, thronging away in a subliminal text form. Apparent most in my early morning hours, sometimes more and sometimes (blessedly) less.
The spiritual experts, referring to those individuals who likely had to deal with their own $hit and survived beyond the realms of "just surviving"- lead us to ways on how to cope, view life and provide a philosophical basis upon which to grow. Tenuous tendrils reaching into my brain, planting in these thoughts that I might actually pull this thing off (life?).
But I awoke today, in physical pain from my body hurts. In loneliness, and sad exhaustion from the day to day responsibilities of the week, continuing forward into my today. Not sure where I can go with this, but I hope it is up. I guess I will see, riding the Chodron wave like a semi amateur surfer.
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