Sitting alone in Starbucks with my coffee, people watching out the side of my eye, eavesdropping at the boring and not so boring humdrum of other peoples life. Its unbelievable, Im just a girl, sipping and typing on my Ipad. Complete in myself, replete with the assurance that things are okay.
Making no mistake that the crazy still exists on the outside, his craziness or bulliness. Thats fine, I almost don't mind. And my kids, they are surviving nicely, even after having to deal with his behavior in smaller yet consistent doses. Consistency, amazingly, despite his history of inconsistency. Boundaries play a huge role in this, my hard work (even in the face of my tiredness), my need to keep my sanity and safety. In his narcissitic motions to "tell me" what he will allow me or not allow me to have/have not... is fine as long as it meshes with what I want and the signed stipulation and soon to be court ordered (can I say legal DIVORCE DECREE?). The rest of it, his heartbreaking inconsistency and authentic confusion hidden behind a face feeling victimized by big bad ol' me? As long as it affects not my kids nor me, then fine. The truth will out, for I continue to strive to remain authentic in whom I am, and embrace kindness and joy in myself (a new thing) and for the kindness towards others (that feels altruistically wonderful, and fulfilling).
Maybe I will be alone for a long long time. Maybe forever. But unlike the night before I met him, some 29 years ago, I don't live in that fear as I did then. And in this bright Froday morning, sitting in Starbucks by myself, drinking my coffee with the sun streaming in- I will embrace that feeling. As a gem, stowed in my pocket, for those days when my mood seems not so shiny.
I offer it here with love, for you guys too to look in your own pockets as well: for those gems are surely stowed there too. :)
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