The art of living

I signup for a four day course that is supposed to teach me about how to live life stress-free, apparently.  Or not.  And in truth,my first evening when they run us through a series of breathing techniques, I feel a sense of release.  But I don't know if that is a good thing, because the release feels like a roiled sea of long held-back emotions, it frightens me.  I want there to be release, but not one that cause these feelings to rise to the surface and stay there.  And it is, like a black cloud that lingers on the surface of my skin, wet and clammy.  It hurts.


I wish I could say that my spirit is healing in complete renewing fashion.  But the scars that are healing feel like they are still coverings for small nodules of acute pain.  Covering, sealing pain, yeah, but it still feels...there.  To function, I realize I push it aside, down and away.  The years when I couldn't, those emotions kept to the surface and resulted in windless crying and open hurt, for all to see including my children.  And that had to stop.

But now, as I write this, I feel tears streaming down my face and that sucks.  Will this always be there, I wonder?

My dreams won't let me lie.  I dream of him again, ANGRY so ANGRY as he threatens to come back into  our old house, demanding and discounting of my feelings.  He states he is coming back fix a broken toilet, and I know it sounds rational, a "rationale" thing to do..and dream me is probably not "cooperating".  But I am afraid, he is going to hurt me physically, or kill me because he has finally been pushed to the brink. By me, apparently.  I know I did not do anything to deserve this but dream me seems unsure.  My dream sister says I asked for it, though the real version has not.

My mom is in the dream to, which is the only sweet spot of this dream.  I miss her, now that she is gone.  So my heart again feels broken and hurt.  I don't know, if I wish to feel this anymore. Feeling with no  apparent healing.

They speak of letting in the "prana", or life force.  The positive energy to give rise to..? Peace?  I don't know. But I will try.  My life is in steady state, needing of rejuvenation and joy.  But I must guard myself against the massive slide backwards.  That inner feeling that is mine, all mine.  I guard it carefully, the bad feeling..hurt, that when I let "him" see it, he used to create more. I want peace and joy, I pray for this, but I guess I need also to learn that I deserve it too.